Friends Beside The Circumstance

    Jack Avery is a very special kind of man.  He ran the London Trials in a little under an hour, became an expert marksman in his class, and is all-around one of the highest-marked agents in his field.  Currently, his head cinches forward from the odd way his chair is leaned back and spits on the floor I just swept.  His feet are cuffed at the ankles in metal shackles and strapped to the foot rests.  The chair itself came secondhand from an orthodontist practice that was shutting down back on the mainland.  I tore away the horrible mint-green leather because frankly it wasn't the least bit horrifying to look at.  I would have had it reupholstered in, I dunno, white or something but let's be honest: this is the basement torture room, not the one next to the anteroom a few floors up.  It just wouldn't look the part.  His hands are strapped behind him away from my sight because I still want him to give me hope.
    "I know everything, Kondor.  Bombay, Trinidad, Oslo...  You've left a trail of dead right to your doorstep.  Did you think I wouldn't find you?"
    God, what a man.  He's one of the smartest people I've ever met but he still talks like a movie star in his first feature film.  I laid the clues out so only he could find me.  I didn't want one of the Agency's several other agents to make the hunt.  You don't build a relationship that way.  This was meant for him.
    "I suppose I didn't think you were stupid enough to try, Mr. Avery."  Insult his intelligence like every time.  Like it's the last time.  Give him an empty threat.  "And now you'll die for your contemptuousness."  I have a word a day I'm supposed to use.  I don't think I used it right.
    Avery is a man I should hate.  He destroys my facilities, leaves my henchmen broken, and my wives loved.  All around the world I have concubines to get rid of my jet lag and run me a bath.  And Avery has screwed almost every one of them.  They mean nothing to me, to be honest.  There were a few I thought I loved, but really they were all for him.  It's a game, y'know?  They're all trained to kill him in his sleep, too.  One nearly did.  Rarely any try anymore.  I suppose the game got stale, the story too predictable.
    "I've fought all over the world, Kondor.  Been tortured in most.  There's nothing you can do I haven't already felt in Kuwait."
    Avery starts to name the countries that still have pieces of him somewhere in their dirt.  He says them with a bit of pride, I think.  Anyway, I eventually got women I knew he'd like.  Not necessarily as a trap, but because I thought he'd be a little more appreciative.
    "Iraq."
    That one that almost killed him?  I mean she was really close.  They're only supposed to poison him, hope the drug takes affect though it never does.  This woman got impatient, decided to open Avery's throat with one of those things you use to pry the staples out of old documents.
    "Belarus."
    Really scarred his good looks.  I had the bitch put down.  That kind of blind, animalistic behavior really sickens me.  There's just no tact in an assault like that.
    "Bosnia."
    "You were in Bosnia?"  I can't remember what I was doing before he mentioned the name.  Usually I tinker with a bunch of fluids I have held in different test tubes off to the side like I'm preparing a poison, but really I just listen.
    I set down my mixture of lemon juice and Gatorade.  "I didn't know you were in Bosnia, Avery.  I was, too."  I've taken him out of the moment.  He's at a loss just like I.  He tells a fib to try and get the story going but unlike him I'm actually interested.
    "B-Bet you were selling guns to terrorists at a younger age, weren't you?  I bet--"
    "Oh stop, you're being offensive.  I fought with a mercenary group paid by a NATO official who wanted to skip the beurocracy and get something done.  No, we were there for peace talks."
    Avery tips his head slightly to one side.  He might be trying to find a better way to crane his neck to look at me against the rough metal lining of the dentist chair.  But I think he's showing interest.  "I was... I was assigned to push back forces across Sniper Alley.  I was there during the Siege of Sarajavo."
    My eyes fall somewhat to the floor, the memories hanging heavy in front of me.  "I got there just after that.  The amount of children I saw running around aimless was just--"
    "Then why are you selling weapons?"
    What do I tell him?  'Because this is all a game?'  No.  Because Bosnia is how I learned furthering myself from the frontlines is the best therapy I have.  And honestly, the best way to secure your place away from the battle is to go searching for your own and focus on that.
    "Because Bosnia is where I learned where the money all comes from, Avery," I lie as I pluck his pen from out of his shirt pocket and stir my test tube cocktail.  His eyes go somewhat wide.  Maybe what I said really hit home for him.  Jesus, it was supposed to be a stupid comment not--  Shit!  The pen!  That was how he was going to escape!  God, you never know what mundane items they think their agents will need back at the Agency.  I swear to God, if an agent lost his shoes it could end up costing the lives of thousands of civilians somehow.
    I take the pen out of the drink, hoping it didn't fry any of the circuits or whatever.  I toss the pen on Avery's chest, knowing it'll somehow end up in his hands and free him from the rope.  "Here.  Maybe you can fashion yourself an obituary."  Hey, that was kind of funny.  I'm somewhat proud of myself.  I take another test tube from the junior science kit it came from and saunter towards him.  "Here's a little something to turn you from the living legend you think you are... into just a legend."  I kick myself over that one.  I wrench my fingers around his cheeks and purse his lips as he struggles his best to turn his head away.  The mixture of salt water and ginger ale spills over his jaw, and I laugh not at his demise, but at how he looks in this moment.  As I leave the room, I realize he took the time to shave.
    Twelve minutes pass and the alarm goes off, making me spill a little coffee on the sudoku page I'm failing at.  I set the mug back on my desk and wait for the intercom to click on.  They tell me Avery has escaped, and is somewhere in the underground research facility.  I press the button that allows my voice to be heard through the entire island.
    "Don't let him get to the helicopter on the roof!  It'll lead him straight to the mainland!"  But of course, Jack Avery can't get a hint, and he opts to dive off the harbor and swim to the mainland instead.  If the sharks don't bite at him, his contemptuousness will.

Handle With Care Issue 2

PAGE 1

PANEL:

From the point of view of inside the box, we see JACK holding both cardboard flaps looking in with a straight face. JILL is beside him, only looking at JACK, annoyed.

JILL

Opening

PANEL:

the panel is black. A sliver of light shines through where the cardboard flaps meet.

JILL

and

PANEL:

The same shot of the box opened as before.

JILL

closing

PANEL:

The same shot of the box closed as before.

JILL

the

PANEL:

The same shot of the box opened as before. JACK has furrowed brows now, still looking into the box.

JILL

box

PANEL:

The same shot of the box closed as before.

JILL

is

PANEL:

The same shot of the box opened as before. JACK still has furrowed brows.

JILL

doing

PANEL:

The same shot of the box closed as before.

JILL

nothing,

PANEL:

The same shot of the box opened as before. This time JACK is now confronting JILL with one hand in the air.

JILL

Genius.

JACK

Well what's your brilliant plan, Einstein?!

PAGE 2

PANEL:

JILL holds up her pink purse, proudly. JACK points a finger at her.

JILL

Simple. If the magic won't come out, we'll have to go back in!

JACK

That's dumb.

JILL

You're dumb.

JACK

We don't know how this thing works!

PANEL:

JILL looks down shyly at the purse she now holds to her chest. JACK shrugs.

JILL

Well, we wanted a space adventure before, so we got a space adventure. Maybe we just have to think real hard about what kind of story we want and then it gives it to us.

JACK

Well what kind of adventure do you want?

PANEL:

JACK and JILL sit on the floor, their backs against the seat of the couch in the living room, looking at the opened box in the foreground. JILL's hands are raised in the air as she smiles. A title card reads “HOUR 1”.

JILL

Fan fiction!

JACK

Nnno.

PANEL:

JACK has one hand under his chin, the other propping him up against the seat of the couch. JILL looks forward at the box boringly. A title card reads “HOUR 2”.

JACK

What about detective stuff?

JILL

Gee, I dunno. Mom and Dad don't really describe you as a “thinking man”, Jack.

PANEL:

JACK and JILL look at each other with menace, but JILL has a deep grin. A title card reads “HOUR 3”.

JILL

Fantasy!

JACK

Stop.

PANEL:

JILL's head pops up out of the box with a smile, looking up at JACK who's closing the lid of the box with a smile of his own. A title card reads “FINALLY”.

JACK

It's settled!

“Neo-Classical Noir Slash-Fiction” it is!

PAGE 3

PANEL:

There's nothing but blackness.

JACK

And now we wait.

PANEL:

The panel is still blackness.

PANEL:

More black.

JILL

What if nothing

PANEL:

JACK and JILL look up at overhead lights that click on. They're sitting on the floor of a cramped metal room that has lots of control panels and valves. THE KIDS wear what can only be described as “sailing rags.”

JILL

happens?

PANEL:

THE KIDS look out a round window towards the reader. Fish swim by in the foreground.

PANEL:

A wide view of the ocean deep. Crags of rocks that lead to the ocean floor out of view border the area. Tons of ocean wildlife swim and crawl about. A submarine that the kids reside in rests in the corner. Less “military” and more “Yellow Submarine”.

JILL

I mean I'm impressed but this isn't what I was shootin' for at all.

PANEL:

JACK handles some of the controls at a control panel in front of a large window (the front), as JILL still looks out of the side.

JACK

I know. I don't think we're always gonna get a choice. We have to find a way out of here.

PAGE 4

PANEL:

JILL walks over to where JACK is and hovers a hand over a lever.

JILL

Well be careful. Last time you drove something you nearly got us--

PANEL:

THE KIDS lurch to one side. JACK falls completely, but JILL holds onto the lever she just pulled with dear life and wide eyes.

JILL

Kiiiiiiii--!

PANEL:

The submarine darts off to the side and takes a sharp dive down the underwater cliff face towards the dark. “AAAAAH” runs across the panel.

PANEL:

The submarine dodges cliffside rocks, very nearly hitting them. “AAAAH” runs across the panel.

PANEL:

JILL wildly yanks forward and back on a bunch of levers and knobs as JACK holds onto her shoulders. They both scream with wide eyes looking out the front window towards the viewer. “AAAAH” runs across the panel.

PANEL:

The submarine runs through a field on seaweed.

JACK

Watch out! We can't see past the seaweed!

PANEL:

Inside the submarine, JILL still darts her eyes forward. JACK, still with a frenzied look, reaches down on the control panel towards another lever.

JILL

I know! I don't know how to make the stupid thing go up!

PAGE 5

PANEL:

JACK hangs onto the lever he just pulled, as the submarine shoots up rapidly. JILL is now hanging onto JACK's leg with one hand. “AAAAAH” runs across the panel.

PANEL:

The submarine runs up toward the viewer away from the seaweed field in the rocky crags. A large, red eye has opened among them, revealing that the seaweed were actually a group of tentacles. “AAAAAH” runs across the panel.

PANEL:

The submarine leaps out of the water crashes into the upper wall of a pirate ship, the upper hatch leading to the upper deck. A trail of “AAAAAH” follows behind the submarine out of the water.

PANEL:

JACK, winking one eye and holding his head gets up from the ground looking out the front window. JILL is still on the ground, holding JACK's arm and screaming still with eyes shut tight.

PANEL:

JACK covers JILL's mouth with his one free hand looking at her grumpily. JILL now looks up at JACK, stopping.

PANEL:

The kids look out of the front window.

JACK

I wanna say we broke something that isn't ours...

PANEL:

A look out the front window reveals a group of angry pirates, about ten of them. All with weapons drawn.

JACK

[OFF-PANEL]

…And that we're in trouble.

PAGE 6

PANEL
JACK still looks out the window while JILL looks up while the top hatch is being opened and outside light is revealed.

JACK

Does that sound right?

JILL

Yes it does.

PANEL:

JACK and JILL sit back to back on the deck floor, tied together with rope.

JILL

I want an adventure where we're not always arrested.

JACK

Let's survive one thing at a time, Jill.

PANEL:

THE KIDS look up at an overbearing shadow that looms over them with a bit of fear.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

[OFF-PANEL]

You dang Colonials!

PANEL:

A very large, eye-patch wearing scraggly man raises a chipped and rusted cutlass high in the air. The sun shines bright behind him.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Always tryin'a get the drop on Captain Strawberry-Blond Beard! The diseases and yet-to-be-discovered viruses of my century try harder than you!

PANEL:

JACK and JILL look up at the shadowy figure with wide eyes.

JILL

AAAAAH!

JACK

Waitwaitwait we're not Colons or whatever we're just kids trying not to die!

PIRATE

[OFF-PANEL]

Captain?

PANEL:

a group of pirates inspect the submarine that juts out of their ship. One pirate looks back towards CAPITAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD and THE KIDS with a finger pointing at the submarine.

PIRATE

I don't think the Colonials have technology like this.

No one has technology like this.

(We're primitive still.)

PAGE 7

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN looks down at THE KIDS with a squint.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Hmmm... I know what ye be. Ye be...

PANEL:

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD shouts to the sky, his sword raised high.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Atlanteans!

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN is more calmed down now, his sword lowered, talking with JACK and JILL as they still sit on the deck floor.

JILL

And do you... hate the Atlanteans?

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Nay. They are a reclusive and invasive peop--

JACK

Then we're Atlanteans.

PANEL:

CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD raises his fists and shouts to the skies.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

This must be fate! We will start an alliance that will usher in a new era!

PANEL:

OTHER PIRATES help the kids out of their ropes. THE KIDS are now standing with their hands up in the air, smiling.

THE KIDS

Yeah!

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN crouches down near the kids, his hand clawed and upturned.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Together we will control the seas!

PAGE 8

PANEL:

THE KIDS are free of their ropes, their hands still up in the air, smiling.

THE KIDS

Yeah!

PANEL:

A finger (THE CAPTAIN's) comes from the foreground and points at JILL, her arms are up in the air as she shouts.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

[OFF-PANEL]

Have her feed the parrots!

JILL

Yeah!

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN's finger comes from the foreground again, pointing at JACK, who has his arms in the air but a blank expression.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Have him swab the poop deck!

PANEL:

A closer inspection of JACK's face, his eyes sunken.

PANEL:

JILL is laying on her stomach on the side of the bed in their cabin. JACK is kneeling on the ground holding a bucket with both hands.

JILL

You done vomming yet? Your breakfast wasn't that big.

JACK

I didn't think the poop deck would be a literal thing.

PANEL:

JILL stands on the bed with her fists raised straight to the sky and shouts with a smile, eyes closed. JACK has his hands upturned as if pleading with JILL.

JILL

Oh come on! We're new! We gotta start at the bottom, y'know? Yo ho!

JACK

You fed birds.

JILL

A pirate's life for me!

JACK

It's under my fingernails, Jill.

PAGE 9

PANEL:

A close-up of CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND's face. He shouts with a pointed finger aimed at the sky.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Up the masts!

PANEL:

JILL swings on a rope being yanked skyward, both hands clamped tight to the rope, enjoying every minute. THE CAPTAIN watches with a smile.

JILL

Weeeeee!

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

An absolute natural!

PANEL:

On the other side of the ship, the same thing happens with JACK, except he's being pulled up with the rope around his neck, his hands clawing at his throat, his tongue out. THE CAPTAIN shouts to his crew.

JACK

Ack!

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Dear God, somebody cut down the reject one!

PANEL:

JACK is on his hands and knees, one hand rubbing his throat. His face shows annoyance as THE CAPTAIN squats near him.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

I mean, you can tell me. I won't be mad but...

She's your handler, right?

PANEL:

JACK struggles worryingly to get the top of his head out of a cannon with help from 4 OR 5 OTHER CREW MEMBERS who yank at his feet. THE CAPTAIN leans on the cannon, talking to JACK with the same kind of look.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Were you kicked out of Atlantis for being incompetent or something?

PANEL:

JACK is one the floor, his arms and legs spread wide apart, his face in absolute shock. A bunch of rusted and chipped swords are stuck in the ground around the outline of his body. A tipped over box he was carrying with a note saying “SO, SO RUSTY SWORDS” is on the box. A banana peel is nearby. THE CAPTAIN is standing nearby with his hands on his hips.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

I mean, I'm just sayin'. Had I went to college for Psychology and not Pirate Ethics I could've won something by now just by studying your thought process.

PAGE 10

PANEL:

A close-up of a star chart marking all the pirate's progress. At the bottom is JACK and JILL, being the newest additions to the crew. JILL has around 13 stars to her name. JACK somehow has stars going in the other direction and a note saying “(-4)”.

JACK

[OFF-PANEL]

Jeez...

PANEL:

Jack is staring at the chart with hunched shoulders and a tired face. The chart is posted to the main mast of the ship.

JACK

I don't even know why they have this thing.

JILL

[OFF-PANEL]

Captain!

PANEL:

JILL is in the crow's nest at the top of the mast. She's wearing full-on pirate gear, bandana on the head and everything. JACK is at the bottom looking up at her. JILL leans over the edge of the crow's nest with a telescope, shouting to the rest of the crew.

JILL

Captain Strawberry-Blond Beard! Colonials on the Starburst side!

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN walks in front of the line-up. All pirates standing tall at attention besides JACK. Everyone, including JILL, stand tall with a serious look, their eyes darting forward like soldiers. JACK, however, slumps and scratches his butt.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

This is it! They haven't spotted us yet, and I don't plan on them ever knowing what hit 'em! We're going to use...

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN points proudly at the submarine being hoisted over the side of the ship.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

The Atlantean machine!

PANEL:

A large, muscular, gruff man steps forward.

SCRUFF MCGRUFF

Captain!

I volunteer to stain the sea red with those scum!

CAPTAIN

Noted. But denied! Shotgun Sally has two more stars than you.

PAGE 11

PANEL:

SCRUFF MCGRUFF pounds a fist against his open palm. JACK whispers silently to JILL who stands with a proud, malicious smile.

SCRUFF MCGRUFF

Dang!

JACK

Stinks to be Shotgun Sally. She's heading straight into a bloodbath.

PANEL:

JILL salutes while JACK is horrifically taken aback.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

[OFF-PANEL]

Shotgun Sally! It is your duty to rid the seas of the enemy ship!

JILL

Yes, Sir!

JACK

You're Shotgun Sally?! How did you get such a cool nickname?!

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN leans forward to get face-to-face with THE KIDS. JILL still salutes, and JACK covers his face with both hands.

JILL

Permission to bring my brother, Sir!

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Your brother?! Now I see... Permission granted! Crew! Load Shotgun Sally and Wally the Worm into the machine!

PANEL:

THE CREW picks up and is ready to plop THE KIDS into the hatch. JILL looks at her pink purse with a smile. JACK seems more irritable.

JACK

What?!

Why am I Wally the Worm?!

ANSWER ME!

PANEL:

JACK crosses his arms, frumpily looking away from JILL, who stands at the controls for the submarine while pulling a book from her purse with a proud look.

JACK

(There's nothing remotely worm-like about me.)

JILL

Don't worry, Jack. I've thought ahead.

PANEL:

JACK looks at the book in JILL's hands.

JACK

What do you mean? That's not a thing we do.

JILL

If it's anything like last time, anything I put in my satchel before we get in the box turns into something more useful when I take it out again. Last time we were so confused about everything, this time I brought a book!

PAGE 12

PANEL:

A view of the Colonial ship sitting in the water. A trail of bubbles mark where the submarine is, making its way there.

JACK

So what did it turn into?

JILL

It looks like a handbook for driving the submarine!

PANEL:

JILL holds the book in front of her with a smile.

JILL

This time we won't crash!

PANEL:

JACK looks straight ahead at the viewer, looking out the front window of the submarine. JILL is to his left, still looking into the book but no longer smiling.

PANEL:

The same shot, but now JACK is looking at and grabbing the book from JILL, who hands it to him while looking at the viewer.

JILL

I can't read.

PANEL:

The same shot, JILL now looks out the front while JACK has his head buried in the book.

PANEL:

JACK puts the book down and looks out the front window with JILL. Neither smile.

JACK

I can't read Atlantean.

PAGE 13

PANEL:

A view from the other side, THE KIDS are coming diagonally up from the ocean depths towards the bottom of a large boat. Both are looking straight ahead.

PANEL:

JACK and JILL look at each other.

JACK

We're... we're bad at what we do.

PANEL:

The submarine jumps out of the water and crashes on the top deck of the Colonial ship, much like they did with the pirate ship. A trail of “SIIIIIGH” follows the submarine out of the water.

PANEL:

THE KIDS are tied up with rope.

THE KIDS

Siiiigh

PANEL:

JACK sweeps the upper deck of the Colonial ship in the foreground with a furrowed brow, staring straight ahead. Very proper COLONIALS, looking like old-timey BRITISH SOLDIERS, chat with JILL in the background while she carries a box. All are smiling.

JACK

Siiiigh

PANEL:

JACK is throwing his arms out to another star chart, again with JILL having all the stars and JACK having none. JILL grins at him.

JACK

SiiiighWAIT! AGAIN, WHY?!

PANEL:

THE KIDS are in THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN's quarters at his desk. THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN is holding himself in his arms, tears coming down his cheeks with a curled bottom lip, a quill in his hand, looking at JILL, who stands on a step-stool looking over the letters THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN has spread over his desk. JILL points at one of the letters with a smile. JACK stands in the corner in a waiter's outfit, holding a tray with one hand. On it rests a glass of wine and a glass of milk. Again, he does this with furrowed brow.

JACK

Siiiigh

PAGE 14

PANEL:

The Colonial ship sails toward the viewer.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

[OFF-PANEL]

Thar she is!

PANEL:

THE PIRATE CREW hollers in celebration over the rail of the pirate ship. THE CAPTAIN is center and raises an arm in victory.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Shotgun Sally defeated those dastardly Colonials and brought their ship as a prize!

PANEL:

A close-up of a plank being dropped on the floor connecting the ships together.

PANEL:

A very well-manicured boot steps down on the plank.

PANEL:

CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD's shocked expression.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Wut.

PANEL:

The KIDS, with worried expressions but still wearing smiles, present THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN on either side of him, their arms outstretched. THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN has both arms behind his back with a very nouveau riche look. COLONIAL SOLDIERS are in tow.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

[OFF-PANEL]

What do you kids think you're doing?!

PANEL:

THE KIDS speak up to an angry CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD.

JILL

You two seem like you have some deep issues you need to work out. We thought it best to force you to do it instead of asking first.

JACK

Word.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

You have no idea what this man has done to me!

PAGE 15

PANEL:

THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN bites his lip, an angry look on his face, but a single tear about to roll down his cheek.

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

We used to be pen pals, Craig!

PANEL:

THE CAPTAIN points angrily.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

That's Captain Crai-- I mean, CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLONDE BEARD TO YOU!

PANEL:

THE KIDS are between THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN and CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD, each looking to the captain on their side.

JILL

What happened to you guys?! You used to be friends!

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

This man-- nay, this dog has stabbed me in the back!

JACK

What did he do? Did he steal your girlfriend?

JILL

Did he steal your treasure?

PANEL:

CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD shakes a fist.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

He bought a house I had my eye on for a very long time!

PANEL:

THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN has both arms outstretched at HIS ADVERSARY. THE KIDS are caught in the middle.

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

You couldn't afford it!

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

My mortgage was almost done being payed off!

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

Liar! The amount of acquisitions to your taxable property loans hadn't

PANEL:

THE KIDS silently look up at the bickering shadows in front of them.

PANEL:

JACK and JILL look at each other.

JACK

This is the first time I'm ever hearing some of these words.

PAGE 16

PANEL:

CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD shoots an inquiring look as if he's giving an idea for approval.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Well I mean the only reason we're even fighting in the first place is because of these kids. We should totally have them walk the plank.

PANEL:

THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN gives the same look.

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

Oh we should absolutely have them walk the plank.

PANEL:

THE KIDS have a freaked, sporadic look on their faces.

THE KIDS

WHAAAT?!

PANEL:

A group of submarines that look just like the one Jack and Jill ride in unveil from the ocean. About 6 in all, in a triangle pattern.

PANEL:

The top hatches open, ATLANTEANS reveal themselves. THE LEADER points a finger at the ship with an angry look.

LEADER

This ship was stolen from us! It's obviously ours! Who will face the punishment?!

PANEL:

With everyone looking over the side of the ship, CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD points a thumb behind him towards THE KIDS.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

The kids are. We were gonna have them walk the plank. Do you want them to walk the plank?

PANEL:

THE ATLANTEAN LEADER shrugs his shoulders with an indifferent look.

LEADER

Oh they should totally walk the plank.

PANEL:

JILL has her hands on her head with a scared albeit frustrated look. JACK just has his arms outstretched at the ground and shouts.

JACK

Dude, come on!

PAGE 17

PANEL:

AN ANGRERED KRAKEN, from the early submersible adventure, rises out of the ocean, towering 100 feet above all else, with one red, angry eye and a sharp beak.

KRAKEN

ROOOOOOOAAAAAR!!

PANEL:

EVERYONE stares frighteningly at THE KRAKEN, CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD points a finger at the creature and shouts.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

It's The Kraken!

Everyone to their battle stations!

PANEL:

JACK grabs JILL by the arm and pulls her away from the side of the ship where THE KRAKEN towers above all. THE KRAKEN looks at them and raises a tentacle high. JACK sees this while turning around to look at the monstrosity.

JACK

Hurry, Jill! We gotta get to the submarine!

PANEL:

A lumbering tentacle crashes down on the deck of the ship while JACK activates his force field, hugging JILL close to him. They both close their eyes tight as the impact of the tentacle sends them flying.

PANEL:

The force field bubble descends its arc toward the submarine they came in, strung up with rope over the ocean. The top hatch is open wide.

PANEL:

THE KIDS drop onto the ground of the submarine through the open hatch, the force field popping. THE KIDS lay almost face-first into the submersible.

JILL

Oof!

PANEL:

CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD pulls the string that fires a cannon at THE KRAKEN, a silhouette with one large, red eye. HIS CREW do the same as THE COLONIAL CREW fire their guns. THE KRAKEN has large parts of the ship in some of its tentacles. Other arms are throwing random pirates.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Shoot the blasted thing down! Are ye afraid of an overgrown Southeast Asian cuisine?!

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

[OFF-PANEL]

C-Craig...

PAGE 18

PANEL:

CAPTAIN STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD squats over the bruised body of THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN with worry.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Kieth!

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

If I don't make it...

PANEL:

A close-up of CAPTAIN CRAIG's worried face.

STRAWBERRY-BLOND BEARD

Anythin', Bud.

PANEL:

A close-up of CAPTAIN KIETH's dying face.

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

Pay the loan on my new house...

PANEL:

A close-up of CAPTAIN CRAIG's fed-up face.

PANEL:

Jack and Jill's submarine zooms away from the underwater action towards the viewer as ATLANTEAN SUBMARINES try to shoot at a now-underwater KRAKEN that focuses its heavy eye on our heroes.

JACK

I think I'm finally getting it, Jill! This side handles up and down, and that side makes us go left and right. But I can't reach that side!

PANEL:

JILL quickly rushes to one side of the controls.

JILL

I've got it, Jack! If we work together we can get out of this!

PANEL:

JACK and JILL look at each other.

JACK

Did we just get to a moral in the story?

JILL

What's a “molar story”?

PAGE 19

PANEL:

THE KIDS are jumbled out of their positions as the whole submarine shakes.

JILL

Woooah!

PANEL:

THE KRAKEN has a tentacle around the middle of the kids' submarine.

KRAKEN

ROOOOOOOAAAAAR!!

PANEL:

JACK is scrambling at his controls while JILL is getting up, rubbing her head.

JACK

Quick! We have to turn this thing around!

JILL

Why?!

PANEL:

Out of a side window, JACK points to a glowing part of THE KRAKEN's underbelly, pressing his nose against the glass.

JACK

Look! That part of the squid thing is glowing!

JILL

[OFF-PANEL]

So?

JACK

So if we hit that, it should kill it!

PANEL:

JACK and JILL take up their parts of the controls.

JILL

What makes you think that?!

JACK

That's how it is in all the video games.

PANEL:

Through the front window of the submarine, we see THE KRAKEN with a roaring mouth.

JACK

[OFF-PANEL]

And if there's one thing I'm good at...

PANEL:

In a side shot, THE KRAKEN lurches over with the force of the submarine driving through its gut, its tentacle going through the wound but letting go of the submersible.

JACK

...it's videogaaaaaames!

PAGE 20

PANEL:

A close-up of an overhanging intercom in the submarine.

KING OF ATLANTIS

Kids! This is the King of Atlantis, and may I extend a thanks to you and your incredible skills! We're all very impressed with your blood-thirsty act of war!

PANEL:

THE KIDS are piloting their controls with wide grins and wide eyes, happier than ever.

KING OF ATLANTIS

[OFF-PANEL]

If you come up to the surface, we'll give you all the riches you can carry!

PANEL:

The submarine breaches the ocean surface.

KING OF ATLANTIS

[OFF-PANEL]

Prizes beyond your wildest dreams!

PANEL:

THE KIDS' hands reach up to the top hatch of the submarine.

KING OF ATLANTIS

[OFF-PANEL]

The most valuable things in all the ocean!

PANEL:

THE KIDS pop open the top of the cardboard box, practically hopping out, their arms outstretched. They both have wide grins, but a frazzled look in their eyes over the realization that they won't get any of their promised treasure. JACK shakes with inner frustration.

PANEL:

A black panel with the words “ELSEWHERE” in the corner. The words of THE COLONIAL CAPTAIN come into frame.

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

Wh-where am I? Where is my crew? Are we back in the Colonies? Or am I...

PANEL:

Another black panel. The words of THE CONQUEROR jump in.

THE CONQUEROR

Ah. Finally some company.

COLONIAL CAPTAIN

Aah! Who are you?!

THE CONQUEROR

...A friend.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Tales From The Bar Stool: Bottle Of Sake And A Bit of Blood

    "I use'ta be friends with this Asian kid back in high school.  This was back in the Eighties, y'know?  You usually saw all the Asian kids with their heads in books, really quiet, only talked to each other, right?  My buddy, though?  Always partied with me, kind of chunky...  You didn't see too many chunky Asians.  Anyway, we would always get drunk and wander around Downtown, y'know?

    "Well one time we're drunk and stumblin' around waiting for some meeting he has to make at a certain time.  I figure, 'What, does he want to buy drugs or something?'  But we end up at this Chinese restaurant late at night and I'm like, 'What're we doing here, man?' and he's like 'Aw, I gotta meet up with my uncle while he's in town.'  So we're tryin' to sober up a bit while we're being led to the very back of the restaurant.  There's this big-ass curtain blocking off this room from the rest of the place and sittin' at the table are a whole bunch of these Japanese guys in business suits.  Young, old, they're all just sittin' around and I don't speak the damn language.  I'm just sittin' next to my buddy and he gets what they're sayin' so he don't pay no damn attention to me.  But at least the drinks keep comin' and they don't seem to care that we're underage.

    "So anyway I'm just kinda noddin' off, minding my own cause no one wants to speak with the gaijin, me, but they keep sayin' the word 'Yakuza, yakuza'.  And my eyes get a little wide as I look around and notice how these guys look a bit scary.  And what am I supposed to do?  Just get up and leave?

    "Then the restaurant owner comes by and puts this big fuckin' snake on the table and they give everyone a glass.  Then they get this huge bottle of sake and pour a bit into everyone's cup.  And the owner, he picks up the snake and cuts the end of its tail off!  And I'm just freakin'.  I'm silent, but I'm thinkin' there's gonna be a murder goin' on here soon or somethin'.  But they pour a bit of the snake's blood into everyone's cup of sake, and everyone goes 'Kanpai!'

    "And my buddy's uncle, he puts a hand on my shoulder and tells me in broken English, 'This drink cost the table $2,000!' and I ask him, 'Why not just buy the snake?'  And everyone does that real quiet thing and waits to see what he's gonna say.  But, luckily for me, he just laughs, so everyone else does, too.  And he tells me somethin' like, 'You are wise beyond your years.'  By the end of the night, they ended up giving me that bottle of sake."

    "Do you still have it?"

    "Nah, I was a drunk.  Still am.  That stuff was gone real fast.  Wish I had a bit left, though.  That stuff was some of the best I ever had."

Handle With Care Issue 1

  Believe it or not, writing humor comes easy for me.  Whether you agree if it's "humor" or not is what will separate us from the rest.  Now here's the thing about my humor: it's childish.  Don't let the sophisticated slapstick trouble you, the humor is meant for all people of all intelligences.  So why not write something all-ages?  I know.  Me?  To write something without a shot or syringe?  Well, here it is.  Something light-hearted to carry your woes.  Put that bottle down, pick up a smile.  Here's the first of five issues to read with a youngin'.  Here's "Handle With Care".

* * *

PAGE 1

PANEL:

A full page of the intergalactic battle to end them all. History would never understand the true sacrifices given that day. If history survives, that is. Battleships explode, giant robots shoot into crowds of floating spacemen, who shoot back with missiles and lazers. Planets explode in glorious fanfare and more towards the foreground, about 100 ft from the reader, is the edge of a spaceship where a battle is taking place in the void of space. Gorgaxians (green lizard-like aliens in robes that walk on tentacles) shoot at opposing alien races who float and fire back towards them at great speed.

VO BOX

And the battle was fought for a millennia.

It spanned galaxies, species, and time.

The Gorgax race would never back down.

But neither would the rest of the universe.

PAGE 2

PANEL:

A spaceman (but in this case a woman) lands on the wing of the spaceship with explosions coming from all sides. She does that cool thing superheroes do where you land with one knee, one foot, and one hand on the ground but don’t fall over. You can’t see her face through the visor of her helmet, but the raygun she holds up is distraction enough. Ahead of her are Gorgaxians wielding spears, coming towards her.

VO BOX

The Gorgaxians had spread their evil tendrils around the throat of every planet they came across and crushed the life from every world.

PANEL:

A long shot of The Hero racing towards the horde of Gorgaxians at full charge, firing her raygun wildly into the crowd, disintegrating their heads with every shot.

VO BOX

But those that carried the burden of surviving also carried with them the gift of resistance.

PANEL:

The Hero ducks under a spear swung at her head, firing a hole into the Gorgax’s stomach and hitting another Gorgax in the head with the same shot behind him.

VO BOX

Every Pillion…

PANEL:

The Hero jumps into the air, doing a summersault and firing her raygun into the crowd.

VO BOX

Every Torrentiun…

PANEL:

A spear sticks into The Hero’s helmet, effectively taking it off for her as she’s still moving through space upside down and firing into the crowd. This reveals The Hero as a gorgeous woman with long, brown hair. Her makeup is unfazed by the war.

VO BOX

Every Human… fought against the Gorgax plague.

PANEL:

The Hero finishes her summersault over the crowd of Gorgaxians by landing one foot on the face of one more Gorgax soldier.

THE HERO

Hup!

PAGE 3

PANEL:

The Hero jumps up to the top of the spaceship, where the Gorgax leader stands on a podium, watching the war unfold with his back to The Hero.

THE HERO

Ha!

PANEL:

The Hero smiles with furrowed brows.

THE HERO

Villicur!

PANEL:

Villicur, the Gorgax leader, turns around with a sneerful smile.

VILLICUR

Ah…

The Human pest is back to die a second time!

PANEL:

The Hero steps closer to Villicur, putting her raygun in its holster.

THE HERO

I was brought back to life with the help of the TyQuillan tribe! And although they may not be with me this day, I won’t need their help!

PANEL:

With The Hero standing before Villicur, we see her reaching into a satchel attached to her belt behind her back.

THE HERO

This time I won’t let you cheat…

VILLICUR

(Did not.)

THE HERO

… for I have with me…

PANEL:

From Villicur’s perspective, The Hero whips out a retro-future-looking gun, very aged, and points it with a smirk right at the reader.

THE HERO

The Atomizer of Earth!

PANEL:

Villicur shudders with anger and fear.

VILLICUR

Ack! The ultimate weapon! But how—?!

PAGE 4

PANEL:

Another shot of The Hero holding the Atomizer towards Villicur.

THE HERO

I’d tell you, but you won’t be alive to remember the tale!

PANEL:

The Hero fires a hail of green lightning from the Atomizer at Villicur, who flinches at the shot.

THE HERO

You Dumb-head!

VILLICUR

Hey I’m tell—

PANEL:

A long shot of the ship they’re on. A large explosion of fire and green lightning erupts from the back half of the ship.

PAGE 5

PANEL:

Smoke rises in a large sheet from where Villicur was standing.

PANEL:

The Hero watches with anticipation and a bead of sweat down her cheek.

THE HERO

…

PANEL:

Another silent panel of smoke rising from the podium.

PANEL:

Smoke still rises from the podium, but laughter comes from within.

VILLICUR

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

PANEL:

The smoke begins to clear and Villicur is in a pink bubble, unscathed. The Hero has her hands out in front of her in disbelief.

THE HERO

What?!

VILLICUR

Not even the ultimate weapon can stand up to…

… MY FORCE FIELD!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

PANEL:

Another shot of The Hero and Villicur arguing.

THE HERO

Duuuuude!

I knew you’d do it again! You’re such a cheat!

VILLICUR

Am not.

THE HERO

It’s an Atomizer! It destroys atoms! Your force field is made of them!

VILLICUR

But what if it’s magic?

PANEL:

The Hero is yelling, eyes closed and fists out, but her foot is slipping off the edge of the spaceship.

THE HERO

You

are such

a BUTT!

I ca—woop.

PAGE 6

PANEL:

Jill lays on the ground, having just fallen off the couch in their living room. She’s curled herself into a ball, holding her head with a toy gun near her. Jack is leaning over the side of the coffee table he’s on, with their dad’s robe covering him.

JACK

OhmyGod!

Are you okay?

PANEL:

Jill is holding her head, with tears in her eyes, angrily looking up at Jack.

JILL

I’m telling Mom!

JACK

Telling her what? That you don’t know how to look where you’re stepping?

PANEL:

Jill is standing now, with an accusing finger pointing at Jack, who stands on the table with hands in the air.

JILL

It’s your fault, Jack!

JACK

What?! How?!

PANEL:

Their faces get closer to each other as they continue arguing.

JILL

It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t cheat!

JACK

I didn’t cheat, Jill! You just hate losing! It’s not my fault you have no ‘rifferal vision!

PANEL:

Their faces get closer still. And progressively more angry.

JILL

I have more ‘rifferals than you’ll ever have!

JACK

You’ll also have less brain cells!

PANEL:

Jack jumps down from the coffee table, tossing the robe on the couch as he walks across the room with an angry look. Jill’s face mirrors his, an accusing finger pointing at Jack as he walks away and a fist pounding on the table.

JILL

Liar! Girls have bigger brains! It’s science!

PANEL:

Jack walks out of the room and marches towards the reader while Jill pokes her head out from the threshold of the living room to get the last word in from the background.

JILL

Like atoms, Jack!

PANEL:

Jack is sitting on his bed, and has stopped playing with an action figure he has in his hand to stare straight ahead with the same grumpy look he had before. Jill is heard from somewhere in the house, behind his closed door.

JILL

SCIIIIIIEEEEEENCE!

PAGE 7

PANEL:

Jill is angrily having a tea party with her stuffed animals around a small plastic table, looking straight ahead.

PANEL:

Jack is angrily playing with cars, looking straight ahead.

PANEL:

Jill is taking muffins out of her toy oven, wearing apron and oven mitts, still angry but looking down at her handiwork.

PANEL:

Jack is watching TV, still angry but seeming a bit more focused.

PANEL:

Jill is brushing her doll’s hair, with an indifferent look.

PANEL:

Jack is playing video games on the same TV, with an indifferent look.

PANEL:

Jill is snapping Legos together, building some unidentifiable creation with focus, tongue out of the mouth. You can see Jack in the background coloring at the dinner table.

PANEL:

Jack is coloring at the dinner table with a look of focus, tongue out of the mouth. You can see Jill in the background playing with Legos.

PANEL:

Jack looks over to his left.

PANEL:

A large cardboard box sits on its side in the other room.

PANEL:

Jack sits on the side of the chair, his focus on the box. Jill is in the foreground, walking over towards it, and tossing a Lego behind her without emotion.

JACK

You wanna go play with that box?

JILL

Sure, okay.

PAGE 8

PANEL:

The kids tower over the tipped-over box.

JILL

Is this what the refi—

The refiji—

Is this what the fridge came in?

PANEL:

Jack is putting the box upright so they can climb in. The box is wide enough for them both to fit.

JACK

Yup.

JILL

Whatta you wanna do with it?

PANEL:

Jack is looking into it, both hands holding the edges of the box. Jill is smiling in the background, hugging her pink purse.

JACK

I dunno, whatever we want, I guess.

JILL

You wanna do another space adventure?

PANEL:

Jack looks over his shoulder at Jill. He has a furrowed brow and an inquiring look.

JACK

Oh come on, again?

JILL

You ruined the last one with “magic”. I want a do-over.

JACK

What’s wrong with magic?!

PANEL:

Jill has walked up to the box next to Jack. Jack looks ahead with an insightful but annoyed look.

JILL

Magic has no place in science-fiction, Jack. They don’t make “magic-fiction stories”, they make “fantasy”. And last time I checked, you have a hard time dealing with “fantasy”.

JACK

If centaurs have two ribcages then they must have like, four lungs, right? How do they breathe?

PANEL:

Jack and Jill climb inside the box, each take a side of flaps that close it. They look at each other as they close the box. Jack rolls his eyes.

JILL

Can we do a space adventure where we’re on the same side? So there’s no confusion over the word “reality”?

JACK

Fine.

PAGE 9

PANEL:

A black panel, showing nothing.

JACK

Ready?

PANEL:

Little round lights in different colors cut through the darkness.

JACK

Lights!

PANEL:

The same shot as the last panel, but now the lights have come on. Jack and Jill are in a cockpit, both smiling. Jack is in front of the control panel, the little round lights are buttons. He grips the throttle to the spaceship. Both Jack and Jill are wearing spacesuits and helmets with visors.

JACK

Ignition!

PANEL:

A spaceship leaves Earth, shooting out towards the stars. It’s small in stature, slightly bigger than a cardboard box.

JACK

Liftoff!

PANEL:

The ship zips around asteroids at a cartoonish rate, making movements no actual ship could make.

JILL

Watch out for the asteroids!

JACK

Don’t worry! I’m a veterinarian of war! I’ve flown worse than this!

PAGE 10

PANEL:

The ship flies towards an alien world. Moons float nearby.

JILL

Set course for that thing over there!

JACK

Roger!

PANEL:

The front of the ship burns up in the atmosphere upon entry.

JACK

Oh no!

PANEL:

Jack and Jill are in the cockpit, Jack gripping the throttle. Jill is behind him with her hands raised straight in the air in distress, out of her seat, but both of them are smiling wide.

JILL

What is it?!

JACK

The compass collider column compressor is broke!

JILL

Oh no!

PANEL:

The ship plummets towards an open alien field, lush with grass and strange-looking trees. Smoke trails behind the rocket.

JACK

Prepare for crash landing!

PANEL:

The ship crashes into the field. The ship kicks-up dirt and digs itself deep into the ground.

PAGE 11

PANEL:

The top of the rocket opens like the cardboard box does with a kick from a spaceman’s leg. (It’s Jack.)

PANEL:

Jack stands up, basking in the alien sun, fists on his hips and his helmet still on. He has a look of accomplishment and vigor on his face. Jill stands up, one hand holding herself up on the spaceship and another hand on her butt.

JACK

Ah, yes.

Today is a great day for adventure. Eh, Jill?

JILL

That actually kinda hurt my butt.

PANEL:

Jill takes off her helmet and looks at the landscape they’ve crashed on, squinting. Jack stares in the same direction he has been, same pose and everything.

JACK

Adventure awaits us! All kinds of peril lies before our path to the alien overlord’s palace!

JILL

Waitaminute…

PANEL:

Jack stands the same. Jill knocks on the side of the rocket with her fist. It makes a metallic thud.

JACK

But in return for toppling his evil regime: Riches! Riches beyond all imagining!

PANEL:

Jill, still hunched over and inspecting the rocket, looks in Jack’s direction and calls to him. Jack has his arms in the air, monologuing to no one in particular.

JILL

Jack.

JACK

We will have the wealth of kings! (And queens.) We will be the heroes of civilizations!

PANEL:

Same angle as the last panel. Jack is still monologuing with different hand gestures.

JACK

They’ll build statues in our hon—

JILL

Jack!

PAGE 12

PANEL:

Jack turns toward Jill with his hands in the air.

JACK

What?!

JILL

Take a look at this.

PANEL:

Jack is just sort of looking down at Jill, not exactly sure what she’s trying to get at.

JACK

It’s a rocketship.

JILL

Take off your space helmet and look at this.

PANEL:

Jack takes off his space helmet with a blank stare, still not understanding what Jill’s intent is.

PANEL:

Jill squints her eyes at Jack, a little ticked that he’s still not getting it.

JILL

Jack, when we got in the box, you didn’t bring a space helmet with you.

PANEL:

Jack has the same expression as before, staring at Jill, but with wide eyes.

PANEL:

The kids are in the cockpit of the rocketship now, frantically pressing buttons.

JACK

Quick, how do we start this thing?!

JILL

You were the one flying it!

JACK

It was flying when we got in the box!

PANEL:

Jack sits in the pilot’s seat, blankly staring forward, eyes wide. Jill continues looking for a way to get the rocket to move.

JILL

Can’t you figure it out?! Shouldn’t these buttons do something?

JACK

Maybe the rocket’s broken.

PANEL:

Jack and Jill are close to each other’s faces, argumentative.

JILL

You’re the one who crashed it!

JACK

I HAD TO, JILL! YOU CAN’T START A STORY WITHOUT CONFLICT!

PAGE 13

PANEL:

Jack collapses into the pilot’s seat, exhausted and out of hope. Jill holds up her pink purse and looks at it with a big smile.

JACK

It’s useless! We’re never gonna see home again! We’ll have to live out in the alien wilderness with nothing to eat! We’ll have to find that stuff mom always says we’re going to have to feed ourselves with when we’re older. Those Welfare Chex.

JILL

Wait! I brought my satchel!

PANEL:

Jack has run up towards Jill and looks at her with a big smile, hunched over and hands out as if waiting for a rescue plan. Jill still looks at her purse with a smile, facing Jack.

JACK

Your purse?

JILL

It’s a satchel. Don’t let the color fool you.

JACK

Does it have a key to start the ship?!

PANEL:

Jack holds the same position: hands out, hunched over, looking at Jill, but without a smile. Jill still looks at her purse.

JILL

No, but I brought the water pistol in case of danger and granola bars in case we got…

PANEL:

Jill looks at Jack without a smile. Jack still holds the same position, but frowns angrily.

JILL

…hungry…

PANEL:

Jack smacks the purse out of Jill’s hands, and both stare at each other with the same look of disdain.

PAGE 14

PANEL:

Jack and Jill are climbing over the opening of the rocketship, watching their footing. Jill has her pink purse slung over her shoulder. They don’t notice the silhouettes holding large alien guns in the foreground.

JACK

We need to search our surroundings, make sure we’re not in any kind of—

PANEL:

A horde (of about 20. That’s a horde, right?) of vicious humanoid aliens point their weapons at the kids. Jack and Jill have frozen themselves in fear while looking at the alien race.

JACK

Danger…

PANEL:

The kids have fearful looks on their faces, their eyes wide, shivering.

JILL

I think there’s danger, Jack.

PANEL:

Jack and Jill tumble as they’re tossed down to a stone-tile ground. The feet of the horde blocks any background.

JACK

Oof!

JILL

Gah!

PANEL:

The kids look up from the ground in amazement and fear.

THE CONQUERER

Ah. So this is them.

PAGE 15

PANEL:

Jack and Jill lift their heads from the ground, to see the king of the alien race on his throne. The throne room is small, dark, and seemingly built with a mix of metal and stone. The king is bigger than the rest of the aliens, with sharper teeth. He rests his mighty head on his fist, his elbow resting on the arms of his throne. He smirks at the children.

THE CONQUERER

The aliens.

PANEL:

Jack and Jill slowly get up from the ground and look up at the mighty figure which sits before them. The Conquerer has a hand out explainingly.

JACK

Ar—Aren’t you guys the, um… aliens?

THE CONQUERER

What? Of course not. This is our planet.

I mean, after we conquered it from the lowly lifeforms, that is. Speaking of which—

PANEL:

The Conquerer claps his hands and a lowly, round-headed, cute lifeform runs out from a nearby threshold with a big book. This lifeform is tired, beaten, and dressed in rags.

THE CONQUERER

Marzett!

Do we have an open booking for an execution today?

MARZETT

The schedule is right here, Mr. The Conquerer.

PANEL:

The book is open on The Conquerer’s lap. He has a hand on an open page and a finger pointed at the kids.

THE CONQUERER

Thank you, Marzett. Oh, yeah. That’s me, by the way. The Conquerer. I forgot to ask, who are you?

PANEL:

The Conquerer closes his eyes and waves his hand at the kids as he turn his head toward the book. Jack points a thumb at himself and gestures a hand towards Jill, who cowers a bit behind Jack.

JACK

I’m—

THE CONQUERER

Waitwaitwait. Never mind. I don’t wanna get attached or nothin’.

Ah. Here we go…

PANEL:

The Conquerer looks giddy as he closes the book with a mighty hand and points to the sky with another.

THE CONQUERER

There’s an opening right now!

PAGE 16

PANEL:

Jack and Jill stand on a stage attached to the giant alien castle in front of a crowd of the “lower lifeforms”, all of which are dressed like peasants. They are on the far left of the stage with Marzett, who’s mopping the area. The Conquerer is standing on the far right with his hands in the air excitedly. A group of his troops stand with him.

THE CONQUERER

My people!

JILL

This is stupid. You’re stupid. This is your fault.

PANEL:

The Conquerer is standing in the foreground towards the crowd of lifeforms, still with his hands in the air. Jill stands next to Jack, looking angry. Jack just sort of looks indifferent. They both watch The Conquerer make his speech.

THE CONQUERER

And also slaves!

JILL

You crashed the ship. You wanted to play with the box!

JACK

I know.

JILL

You—

PANEL:

Jill turns to Jack with an inquiring look. Jack still just looks ahead.

JILL

Huh?

JACK

For what little time it’s worth, I’m sorry.

PANEL:

The Conquerer speaks to his subjects off-panel. We see the reactions from the lifeforms The Conquerer and his minions have, well, conquered. They all have unimpressed looks upon their faces, with obvious resentment towards The Conquerer.

THE CONQUERER

Today we destroy invaders of our homelands!

PANEL:

Back to The Conquerer yelling his speech out over the crowd of lifeforms.

JILL

…It’s okay. I Love you, bro.

JACK

Love you, too, sis.

PANEL:

The Conquerer reaches under a rag that covers a large object being held by one of The Conquerer’s minions.

THE CONQUERER

I would give a much bigger speech but honestly I’m pretty excited to shoot some stuff with my new ultimate weapon:

PANEL:

The Conquerer flings the rag into the sky behind him as he holds up a large deadly-looking gun.

THE CONQUERER

The Molekiller!

PANEL:

Jill holds her hands out in front of her, raised eyebrows, trying to explain the situation. Jack gulps with wide eyes. Marzett continues mopping behind them.

JILL

But wait! We’re not moles!

MARZETT

Nonono, it’s like “molecule” and “killer” combined. He thinks it’s clever.

PANEL:

Marzett walks away from behind the kids, dragging the mop with him. You can now see he was mopping up blue splotches on the ground. The kids stand in a flinching pose as The Conquerer aims The Molekiller with a smile ahead of them.

MARZETT

If he asks you if you think it’s clever before he kills you, say “Yes.” He likes it.

PAGE 17

PANEL:

A giant red and orange beam is fired from The Molekiller. The jolt pushes back The Conquerer a bit.

VO BOX

And the shot was heard across the great plains of the world.

PANEL:

The beam of light makes its way towards the kids at great speed. They have their hands up defensively, eyes shut tight. Marzett covers his eyes while standing up against the wall.

VO BOX

The fire erupted towards our heroes.

PANEL:

A close-up of Jack’s eye shut tight. The red glow from The Molekiller’s beam shines across his face.

VO BOX

And all was lost.

PANEL:

A black panel showing nothing.

VO BOX

The End.

PANEL:

A close-up of Jack’s eye opened wide. A pink glow shines across his face.

VO BOX

Except no.

PANEL:

Jack has his arms up wide in the air, his hands making fists. He has a look of astonishment and surprise on his face. Smoke makes its way around the pink bubble forming around him and Jill.

VO BOX

Because Jack has a force field!

PAGE 18

PANEL:

Jack has his arms and legs spread wide apart, making an X. Jill is on her hands and knees next to him, looking up in astonishment. A big, pink bubble protects them. Smoke curls around the bubble.

JILL

Oh my God!

JACK

Dude!

PANEL:

The Conquerer has The Molekiller down by his side, an arm up covering his chest, almost as if he himself was flinching from the shot. He shouts with a look of surprise.

THE CONQUERER

What the heck is that?!

PANEL:

Jack still has his arms in the air. He yells with a full smile and wide eyes. Tears stream down his face.

JACK

It’s a force field!

PANEL:

The Conquerer motions one hand at The Molekiller he holds in his other with furrowed brows, acting as if he’d been cheated.

THE CONQUERER

But— Come on! It’s a “Molecule Killer”! Your force field has to be made of them! It’s science!

PANEL:

Jack still has his fists in the air, the pink bubble still protecting both him and Jill. Jill is still on her knees and points an angry finger at The Conquerer who’s out of the frame.

JILL

It’s magic, you butt!

JACK

Quick, Jill! I don’t know how long I can hold this thing up! We need an escape!

PANEL:

Jill digs frantically in her pink purse.

JILL

I don’t have anything, man! All I got is this—

PANEL:

Jill takes out an impossibly large raygun, which couldn’t have fit into her purse by any actual standards. She looks at the gun in her hand with wide eyes.

JILL

Squirt gun?

PANEL:

Jill cradles the raygun in her hands, trying to comprehend how it manifested. Jack, still holding up the force field, yells with eyes angry and wide in The Conquerer’s direction.

JILL

How did—?

JACK

FIRE!

PANEL:

Jill fires wildly into a crowd of minions, eviscerating a lot of them. The rest begin to run away in fear, as does Marzett, from the other direction.

PANEL:

Jack’s force field disappears as he grabs Jill with one arm and starts running the same way Marzett went. Jill is still firing away wildly behind them with a big, laughing smile.

PANEL:

The Conquerer grabs one of his minions as they pass by him by the collar and yells to the rest, angrily.

THE CONQUERER

No! Don’t run, you fools! Get them!

PANEL:

A lower lifeform stands upon a rock, a mighty fist in the air, shouting to the fleeing crowd of his own species.

LIFEFORM

No! Don’t run, you fools!

PANEL:

The lifeform points a finger at the minions standing at the castle gates.

LIFEFORM

Get them!

PAGE 19

PANEL:

Jack runs ahead of Jill down a castle hallway, holding Jill’s hand.

JILL

Where are we?!

JACK

You think I have a map of this place or something?! Quick! This way!

PANEL:

The kids stand in the threshold of a giant room. In the center is a great pillar of light, with a bright, glowing orb in the center.

JILL

What is that?!

JACK

I don’t know, but shoot it!

PANEL:

Jack and Jill yell frantically in each other’s faces. Jack grips Jill by the shoulders, bent down to her level and slightly shaking her.

JILL

Why?!

JACK

Because I

don’t know

what else

to do!

PANEL:

The kids turn around to see The Conquerer and his minions charging down the hallway, but a crowd of lower lifeforms are beating up the minions in the back of his group.

JACK

Hurry! They’re coming!

PANEL:

Jill screams and fires wildly with her new raygun.

JILL

AAAAAAAAAH!

PANEL:

The shots are fired into the big, glowing orb. Fire and electricity shoots from the holes Jill has put into it. Mini explosions happen throughout the room and bits of the ceiling start to fall down as the whole castle trembles.

PANEL:

One of the Conquerer’s minions, dressed in scientific goggles and a lab coat, grips the side of his head with both hands.

CONQUERER MINION

No! not the compass collider column compressor!

PANEL:

Jack raises one brow, processing what he just heard. Jill runs off behind him with one arm waving, trying to get Jack’s attention.

JACK

That’s a thing?

JILL

Jack! this way!

PANEL:

The rocketship the kids came in on is on scaffolding with scientific equipment and machines laying around it. It sits in the light of a large castle window. Jack and Jill run towards it while bigger chunks of the castle come crashing to the ground.

JILL

They brought our ship!

JACK

Get in!

PANEL:

The kids frantically slap at buttons in the cockpit while the whole ship rumbles.

JILL

We still don’t know how to start it!

JACK

Just press whatever looks important!

PANEL:

The compass collider column compressor explodes, erupting light throughout the room.

PANEL:

The Conquerer and his minions flinch while light encompasses them.

PANEL:

The rocketship is propelled out of the castle window by the explosion, gliding sideways and headed towards the ground, still inoperable.

JACK & JILL

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA—

PANEL:

Jack and Jill tip over the cardboard box, tumbling out into their living room and at the feet of a parental figure in dress shoes and khakis. They are no longer wearing spacesuits, but the clothing they were when they got into the box.

JACK & JILL

—AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

PAGE 20

PANEL:

The kids look up from the ground with wide eyes. Eyes that has seen some serious stuff. That 1000-yard-stare type of stuff.

PANEL:

Jack and Jill’s father stands with hands on his hips. Smiling and looking down at his two kids.

DAD

What’re you two goofballs doing?

PANEL:

The kids jump up and start yelling incomprehensible things. A mixture of everything they’ve seen.

PANEL:

A small panel of the dad still looking down at his kids, smiling.

PANEL:

A small panel of the dad still looking down at his kids, smiling slightly less.

PANEL:

A small panel of the dad still looking down at his kids, without a smile, like he’s getting a little bored.

PANEL:

Jack still has his arms up in the air, standing on one foot, as he watches his dad walk away. Jill has a similar wild expression.

JILL

—and there was so much gore! And—

DAD

Sounds like you guys had a fun day!

PANEL:

The kids watch their dad walk into the kitchen and open up the new fridge.

PANEL:

Jack looks over towards Jill, but to no one in particular, while Jill speaks directly at him. They both have very tired eyes.

JACK

He doesn’t believe us.

JILL

Would you?!

PANEL:

From the perspective of inside the box, the viewer looks up at the kids as they peer inside.

JACK

Man…

PANEL:

Back on the alien world, the lower lifeforms build giant stone statues of Jack and Jill in heroic poses. The Conquerer’s castle lies in the background off to the side with a giant hole coming from the top. Lifeforms hold tools and blueprints, pointing at the statues of their mighty saviors. Multiple moons hang in the sky during the day.

JACK

[VO BOX]

…What the heck is this thing?

TO BE CONTINUED…