I come to reality. Away from my fever dream. And as my senses return, so does the pain. Needles prick the back of my eyes and I hope it's one last sensation before death. I've saved a people. Not all, but enough to deserve my reward. I sigh in my rest, and my breathing becomes a moan.
"He wakes!" A soft cry from a child. Boy or girl, at such an age it's hard to tell.
"You hear that?" The voice is familiar. A rasp on the air.
It takes maybe a minute to realize no matter how hard I think of it, release won't come so easy. I open my eyes and turn my head to my unwanted benefactors, much to their surprise. The boy gasps and quickly looks away. The old man lifts his head in a start.
"So the dead rise," he says.
I turn to my side and lift myself onto my feet. Or I try, at least. As I twist my body to its side, I accidentally lay across the wound in my flank, remembering just in time that it's there. At the same time I feel a lesion in my back pop and a warm ooze trail my spine. Feeling numb to everything and then feeling everything at once, I yell a sharp noise and fall to the ground. It's here I also rediscover my head wound.
"I have a feeling Lazarus had a little more grace," the old man says. He and the boy wait a while in silence, perhaps to hear if I have a retort, but I just lay on the packed dirt floor and shiver. After a moment of silence, they motion themselves by each of my arms and unstick me from the earth. The old man mumbles incoherently and I stutter back. A conversation between imbeciles.
I'm thrown like a cadaver back onto the stone slab, ready for dissection at the hands of the butcher. Though my muscles decay and my organs melt, the boy still has trouble placing me on the cold altar. The shivers die as they bring the flame of a torch closer. The torch lights the lines in my face and I flinch from the brightness. The old man's uncut nails pry at my eyelids. He peers deep into the nothingness. "You too then," he says. "Dead like us."
The fever dreams sweep in and out of my vision with the flame. Images of waves crashing, the sea black with ink... crowds of people lining up, taking turns to prod me with jagged hands.
He moves the flames away: "You'll need to leave soon. Stay to wither or follow, I don't care. But the grain in our fields were planted too late into the winter to live. Our first harvest was taken from us. Our farm hands have left town to survive elsewhere."
He moves the flame close to me: "I only ask that if you find the strength to walk out of here and stay within our step that you bury us, should we die first."
I will not spend my last days at heel with a pauper to bury him in his grave. "I will not spe--spend--" I cough and grow cold again. As I lift my body from the slab I find the strength to exercise my words again. "I won't bury you. I wouldn't expect you to do the same."
"You're not planning on dying here, are you? There's nothing left, and you have some days on you yet."
"I have more than days." The air passes through the door and divides between us. Awkwardness fills the void. Snow kicks its little fury into the room. I watch it melt for a time. I wait for someone to break the silence. The way I look, they're waiting to see if I expire. My voice booms in the thick of the dark and they jump, fully expecting me to keel where I sit. "Your people left, and they expect themselves to live?"
"It's happened before," the old man says, "Never the same group of people you met last time. Sometimes someone familiar will pop up. New clothes, new wounds. In the last town they farmed, in the next they delegate the courts."
"You're nomads?"
"Well we don't mean to be. We're forced to be. Nomads of ghost towns. We occupy the spaces left behind."
"By that man in the stolen life? The horse that wasn't his? The sword that wasn't his?"
The man rose his voice as if I couldn't hear him. "You act like you've never seen a thief before."
"A thief?" I muse, "A thief has decency. At least enough to leave the town when their prosper is gone."
"Not in this world. They stay to loot the corpses as well. The one you met-- the one you speak of... he's just as bad as the rest, he just happens to be our particular cancer... Named himself The Son of Lilith."
I can't hold the chuckle over a title so ludicrous. "I'm willing to bet he's a Matthew. Never have met one that wasn't a colossal ass."
"Don't take anything of the sort lightly. You're liable to die by one's blade if the illness doesn't kill you first--"
"Enough." I rise to my feet. They stay planted this time. The muscles are more rigid, the mind more focused, the lungs rasping still-- but the job be done. "I won't die here. And I refuse to die by the steel of a lesser."
The old man jeers and lowers his torch to the ground, grinding the flicker into the dirt: "Well I'm happy you made up your mind then." I walk towards the door, set to wander after salvation. Shall the snow freeze my veins, or anything more rewarding, I'll seek it. But I'll do so alone. "Wait a moment, wait a moment." The old man leaned to the other side of the slab I've lain on. "Might as well take this. It's of no use to anyone else. You've infected the damn thing with your blood." He raised-- so much as you could call it that, his strength ebbing from sickness-- the sword that Son of Lilith let fell to his side, and dropped it on my resting place. I walked back and looked at the workmanship. The man spoke again as I studied the craft, and my own branding of dried blood at the point. "I'm not sure your games, but it seems to me you aim to die whilst acting the world isn't already set to ruin. You'll find that outside of your pampered walls there lies a hatred in all men. And they don't look at the abhorrence in themselves to fight, they look to fight those that have what they don't."
"I have nothing," I said to him.
"You have the luck to stand with courage to tyrants."
"It's a learned trait. Why did you say I came from 'pampered walls'? What do you know of me?"
"Your pants, for one. You may be some shirtless heathen from a distance but no one wears linens like that unless you were going to bed. People around here don't have beds. And frankly you don't smell like shit like everyone else."
"I noticed." I picked up the sword, heavy in my hand, but a blessing to feel that weight again. It belonged to a soldier, for that I'm sure, but the blade was long. It seemed to be from a lancer-- someone to cut from the height of his horse. As far as I knew, The Son of Lilith got his steed and steel from the same man. I turned to the boy but spoke to his senior. "You've taught this lad well. You don't feed him as much as yourself but you taught him manners at least. He hasn't spoken since I woke. He knows this is conversation between men. Rare to see civility in these parts."
The old man furrowed his brow and leaned as if hard to hear. "You're mistaken. Since you woke? He hasn't spoken at all. His tongue has swollen from the illness, and can no longer converse. Same reason he's so thin. He can't eat but simple broths." The boy stood against the wall and would not look at me, only at his compatriot. The old man spoke again as he stepped a stride closer: "You hear voices and-- tell me-- do you see things that allude you, too?" I turned away from his accusations. "Your mind, my friend from privilege... has it rot?"
I lis't to his words no more. In part from my humor that there would be a possibility that I've fallen so far in so short a time, and in part of my fear that he prophesied truth. I strode out the door. In the time since I arose in that hovel, the snow clouds had passed. I stopped in the street to breathe the smoking air. "I thank you for your kindness, as lacking as I was in want of it. But tell me, where is the nearest kingdom?"
He and the boy poked their heads from the threshold of the hut. The old man asked, "To do what? No one will let you in their gates. You wander like anyone else on the outside." I repeated the question. The truth is, I have hopes to speak my name and be treated as equals to a diplomat. I have had dealing, and have fought alongside, many kingdoms in the past. Rarely have I met face-to-face with other men of royalty, but our respect was always traded between consuls and clergy. But I would not tell this to the elder and the young man. Dying stragglers will show me no gratitude at their walls. Finally, with thought, he listed the towers one sees on horizons and the names the locale give to them. Within the names I chose one. Murray, whose armies I've supplied in the past, and heard tales of their victories from my throne.
I sniffed at the air again to feel the rattle in my lungs, and walked with sword drug at my side towards rescue or redemption.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Handle With Care Issue 4
PANEL:
JACK and JILL stare down at the viewer,
deep inside the box.
JACK
I
don't think it takes requests, Jill.
PANEL:
Same shot, JACK squints and JILL as she
drops toy money down at the reader.
JACK
I don't think it takes
bribes, either.
PANEL:
JACK continues looking inside the box.
JILL walks away from it, throwing her hands up to the air in
distress.
JACK
Even if it did, I'm not
sure it accepts plastic coins.
JILL
It's not fair! The last
adventure stunk! I didn't even get to be a princess!
PANEL:
JACK turns away from his sister,
longingly looking at a temporary tattoo he has on his forearm as he
lifts up his shirt sleeve. JILL looks at his with a raised brow in
the background. The tattoo depicts a horse with a rainbow.
JACK
Well I didn't
exactly get to be a knight, either.
JILL
What's that?
PANEL:
JACK quickly pulls his sleeve down and
turns back to JILL.
JACK
UM. FLAMES. AND
DAGGERS.
PANEL:
JILL digs into her pink purse.
JILL
It's hard to know what to
pack when you don't know where you'll end up.
JACK
[OFF-PANEL]
What did you pack?
PANEL:
JILL holds up a couple of plastic guns
with rubber bands loaded onto them as JACK looks on.
JILL
Well, rubber band guns..
JACK
Good...
JILL
...a baggie of the
marshmallows cereal minus the cereal...
JACK
...very good...
PANEL:
JILL holds up a bottle of kids glue.
It has a couple of “rad” kids on the cover, with backwards hats
and sunglasses, one rides a skateboard. The bottle has a big logo on
it that says “DA BOMB GLOO”.
JILL
[OFF-PANEL]
… and this glue.
JACK
[OFF-PANEL]
O...kaaayyyy...
PANEL:
JACK holds the bottle of glue as JILL
explains herself.
JILL
Think about it. The
rocket ships, the flying machine... We can never escape because our
stuff keeps breaking.
JACK
Good point.
Why do they
have to try and make glue seem appealing to kids, though?
PANEL:
JILL walks towards the box with
shrugged shoulders. JACK looks at her with wide eyes.
JILL
Gee, I dunno, Jack. Does
it look tasty or something?
JACK
THAT'S A CRUEL RUMOR.
I NEVER DID THAT.
PANEL:
JILL brings one leg over the side of
the box with a smile. JACK looks at her defeated.
JILL
Yeah, I'm sure mom
spread that rumor all over school.
JACK
Mom told you?
PANEL:
JILL stands in the box and smiles at
JACK. JACK just stares at the bottle in his hands.
JILL
C'mon!
PANEL:
A silent panel, same view as the last,
with JILL now frowning.
PANEL:
Same view again. JILL is now rolling
her eyes.
JILL
Okay I'm sorry about the
glue thing, but you have to admit--
JACK
It's not that, it's
just...
Maybe we shouldn't go?
PANEL:
JILL stands with her arms spread out
and a furrowed brow. JACK walks towards the box holding the bottle
of glue.
JILL
Are you on this whole
“we'll die” kick again?
JACK
Sigh
No.
PANEL:
JACK situates
himself over the edge of the box as JILL grabs a flap to close.
JILL
Who
knows? Maybe we'll have a cool mystery story.
JACK
Yeah,
okay.
PANEL:
The box flaps are
being closed. JILL smiles as she closes her end, her arm
outstretched like she's reading the title on some grand marquee.
JACK squats in the box and angrily frowns at her.
JILL
“The
Case Of The Missing Glue”
PANEL:
A silent, dark
panel.
PANEL:
Another dark
panel.
JACK
How
do we know when it works?
PANEL:
And another one.
A low rumbling onomatopoeia cuts through the panel.
JILL
Wait!
What's that rumbling sound?
JACK
And
that actual rumbling?
PANEL:
THE KIDS'
silhouettes shine through the window as they open a small curtain.
PANEL:
A large splash
page of THE KIDS' amazed faces as they sit in a stagecoach, which
speeds through a mesa. The horses trudge on as their riders fire
rifles behind them, towards a group of five or six horseback riders
firing back with their pistols.
JACK
AND JILL
Woah!
PANEL:
JACK and JILL
collectively poke their heads out the window, holding onto their
hats, smiling. They're dressed in ragged cowboy clothes, bandanas
tied around their necks. JACK has a 5 o'clock shadow. JILL looks
back toward the Sheriff and his deputies, while JACK looks at the
driving gang of bandits.
JACK
Cool!
Cops and robbers!
JILL
Yeah!
Get the bandits!
PANEL:
JACK looks over in
JILL's direction, squinting at the law. JILL, still holding onto her
hat, looks up at the brim with wide eyes as a hole appears.
JACK
Kinda
looks like they're shooting at them.
JILL
KINDA FEELS LIKE
SHOOTING TOO, JACK.
PANEL:
THE KIDS duck back
inside the safety of the stagecoach. JACK stretches out out his
bandana with one hand and feels his rough cheek with the other. JILL
holds her hat in front of her, poking a finger through the hole in
the brim with wide eyes, staring at JACK.
JACK
Oh
jeez! We're dressed like bandits!
JILL
That's
no fair! We didn't even get to flip a coin!
PANEL:
JILL stares at
JACK with terror as he strokes his 5 o'clock shadow with a grin.
JILL
What
are we supposed to do?!
PANEL:
JILL glares as
JACK as he continues to stroke his chin.
PANEL:
JILL slaps JACK
very roughly.
JILL
Snap
out of it, Jack! You have 30 years yet!
PANEL:
A large hole is
shot through the back of the stagecoach, blasting open bags of money
and coins, spraying the currency out the back.
PANEL:
A large figure,
THE BANDIT BOSS, pokes his head through the sunroof of the
stagecoach. He looks gruff and probably hasn't bathed in some years.
THE
BOSS
Quick!
PANEL:
THE KIDS yell,
JACK holding onto JILL's shoulders, hiding behind her, while she
clenches her eyes tight and and throws her hat.
THE
KIDS
AAAAHHH!
PANEL:
The hat hits THE
BOSS in the face.
PANEL:
THE BOSS just
looks at them indifferent. He takes off his hat.
THE
BOSS
Good.
You still know our gang sign.
PANEL:
THE BOSS' hat hits
JILL square in the face while JACK snickers.
THE
BOSS
[OFF-PANEL]
Now
we're almost to the hideout. But we still have to shake the law.
PANEL:
THE BOSS drags his
finger across his throat.
THE
BOSS
Otherwise...
PANEL:
THE BOSS leans his
head back out of the stagecoach as THE KIDS look at each other.
THE
BOSS
I
believe in you!
PANEL:
JILL
grabs JACK by the shoulders and shakes him fiercely.
JILL
Do
your cheater bubble, Jack! We need your force field to keep us
alive!
JACK
Stop
calling it that! It's a science!
PANEL:
JACK
stretches his arms out and has a straining look as he tries to
materialize his force field. JILL anxiously watches in anticipation.
JILL
Hurry!
JACK
I'm...
PANEL:
A
closer look at JACK's face as he strains harder, his eyes popping and
biting his bottom lip. JILL nags him behind his shoulder.
JACK
...trying!
JILL
This
is no time for poop faces! We're gonna get shot!
PANEL:
JACK
gives up and worryingly looks at his hands. JILL yells in
exacerbated motions.
JACK
It...
It didn't work!
JILL
WHAT?!
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL run behind the bags of money, piled at the back near the
hole in the stagecoach. They strain to push them with all their
little kid might.
JACK
We
have to get rid of this stolen money! Maybe then they'll stop
shooting at us!
JILL
Puuuuush!
PANEL:
The
money slumps out the back of the stagecoach and spills onto the
desert floor. THE KIDS look on out the back of the hole as the
stagecoach speeds on.
PANEL:
A
closer view of THE KIDS at the back of the stagecoach. JILL squints
with one hand over her brow to look closer at the action. JACK turns
his head to look at her.
JACK
Did
it work?
PANEL:
The
same panel, but with both JACK and JILL wearing widened eyes. “BAM”
and “ZIP” line the page as bullets graze past JACK's face.
PANEL:
The
same panel again, but with JACK looking towards the horsemen and JILL
looking at JACK's half-shaved face.
PANEL:
JACK holds his
hand out to JILL, with refreshed terror, as she digs around in her
purse.
JACK
Quick,
Jill! Get the guns!
PANEL:
JILL stops digging
in her purse, staring straight ahead with wide eyes.
JACK
Jill?
JILL
At...
at least we have glue to hold together our friendship...
PANEL:
JACK and JILL yell
at each other.
JACK
YOU FORGOT THE ONE
THING THAT COULD KEEP US ALIVE?!
JILL
Well
at least we won't die with empty stomachs!
PANEL:
JILL holds up a
feedbag for horses up out of her purse.
JILL
Here!
I'll eat from the—the--the feedbag (apparently)
of marshmallows--
PANEL:
JACK is tossed a
small wooden barrel with a fuse coming out of it from off-panel.
JILL
[OFF-PANEL]
--and
you can have your favorite snack!
PANEL:
JACK holds the
small barrel in his hands, the logo has a cowboy with sunglasses on
it. The logo now says “YE GLOO BOMB”
JILL
[OFF-PANEL]
Maybe
if you eat it it'll keep your mouth shut!
PANEL:
JACK grabs a box
of matches from out of his shirt pocket.
JACK
Shut
up a minute, Jill. This might work!
JILL
[OFF-PANEL]
What
are you doing?
PANEL:
JACK lights the
fuse.
JACK
This
is Da Bomb Gloo. Maybe it'll act like a real bomb and harmlessly get
the cops stuck!
PANEL:
JACK starts
pushing at the sacks of money, straining himself while bullets buzz
by.
PANEL:
JILL watches over
JACK's shoulder as he tosses the glue bomb out of the hole in the
back of the stagecoach with a smile.
JILL
How
do you know it'll work?
JACK
Kid
logic!
PANEL:
The bomb rolls in
between the group of horses.
PANEL:
The bomb explodes,
sending the horses flying.
PANEL:
THE KIDS look on
out the back of the stagecoach with horrified expressions as the
Sheriff and deputies scream in agony.
DEPUTY
#1
[OFF-PANEL]
AAAAGH!
DEPUTY
#2
[OFF-PANEL]
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN
MEEEE?!
DEPUTY
#3
[OFF-PANEL]
MY HORSE! MY
LAW-ABIDING HORSE!
DEPUTY
#4
[OFF-PANEL]
AAAHHHHH!
PANEL:
The stagecoach
rolls away towards the canyon pass, while a figure looks on in the
foreground, shakily standing up.
THE
FIGURE
Gah!
There's hot glue in my eye, dagnabbit!
PANEL:
THE FIGURE stands
with a hands over one eye, steam stretching between his fingers. His
big, shiny badge reveals he is THE SHERIFF. Grand mustache and all.
SHERIFF
I
will have my revenge!!
PANEL:
The sun
begins to set as the stagecoach pulls up to the top of a cliffy mesa,
the darkness begins to loom over the desert.
JACK
[FROM INSIDE THE STAGECOACH]
Okay,
I dunno what we're gonna do, but we have to act casual.
PANEL:
JILL
has her hands upturned and clawed, grasping for answers with a
worried expression. JACK reflects her worry, with a hand under his
hat, scratching his head.
JILL
Casual
how? These are bandits! Should we eat glass or
something? Is that bandit casual?
JACK
I—I
dunno. Let's just... act tough.
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL exit the stagecoach toward the reader, with crazed looks on
their faces, attempting to be “tough”.
PANEL:
THE
KIDS are immediately hit in the faces with four thrown hats.
THE
BANDITS
[OFF-PANEL]
YEEHAW!
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL are picked up under their armpits by smiling BANDITS. THE
KIDS scream in terror.
THE
KIDS
AAAAAHHHHH!
BANDIT
#1
That
was some of the finest misdemeanors against law enforcement
I've ever seen!
BANDIT
#2
That
oughta teach the gubbermint to stick their faces into our charity
work!
PANEL:
THE
KIDS are put down and confusedly look to each other.
JACK
Your—Uhhhh...?
PANEL:
THE
BANDITS all high-five and throw their fists into the air in
celebration. JACK and JILL watch them in the background.
BANDIT
#3
Now
we can give the schoolkids the lice checks they deserve!
JILL
Um.
THE
BOSS
And
clean drinking water for the town's folk!
JACK
Uh
oh.
BANDIT
#2
And
braces for Carter, the town leper.
PANEL:
JACK
grabs JILL by the shoulders.
JACK
Jill,
these guys aren't bad at all. They're like illiterate Robin Hoods.
PANEL:
THE
BOSS walks to the back of the stagecoach with a smile, where peering
into the hole, the reader can see straggling bits of coin and bills
on the wooden floor. JACK and JILL rush over to him, just a little
too late.
THE
BOSS
Alright,
guys! Let's unload the cash and get on down to the ice cream
social--
THE
KIDS
Wait!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS glares inside the darkness of the stagecoach with shaken terror.
THE KIDS look at each other with equal worry on either side of him.
THE
BOSS
Whu—What
happened?
JACK
Gulp
PANEL:
THE
BOSS looks down to JACK and JILL with a bit of sadness.
JILL
Well
the cops were after us and we forgot our guns so...
THE
BOSS
You
didn't...
JACK
We
did. Make no mistake.
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL look up at the reader in horror as four shadows loom over
them.
JILL
Wh—what
are you gonna do?
PANEL:
THE
BANDITS collectively close their eyes and hang their heads in shame.
One even holds his forehead in his hand and lowers his hat.
THE
BOSS
We're...
just... so disappointed in you guys.
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL continue to look up, no longer in horror.
JACK
That...
PANEL:
THE
KIDS look to one-another, heart-broken.
JACK
That
hurt worse.
PANEL:
JILL
fervently throws her hands in the air and shouts to THE BOSS, who
continues to hang his head in disappointment. JACK angrily talks at
JILL's side.
JILL
You're
not gonna hang us high?
THE
BOSS
No.
JILL
Or
have us drawn with quarters?
THE
BOSS
No.
JACK
Stop
trying to convince him, Jill!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS looks at them with saddened eyes, but manages to upturn a smile
at them as well.
THE
BOSS
Y'all
did us proud out there, regardless of the mistakes you made.
PANEL:
THE
BOSS walks towards a newly-kindled fire, away from THE KIDS, as THE
OTHER BANDITS do something to each others' arms. One blows on a new
tattoo.
JILL
I've
never had a compliment make me feel so bad.
THE
BOSS
Come!
We must initiate y'all into our gang. Tattoos for the new kids!
PANEL:
BANDIT
#2 holds out pieces of cut-up paper in his hands with a smile. JILL
freaks out with her hands outstretched, pushing away the offer.
JILL
No
way! Tattoos hurt! Mom says they lead to low income!
BANDIT
#2
Don't
you worry. They're temporary.
PANEL:
JILL
curiously looks at the selections with a smile. BANDIT #2 holds up a
finger.
JILL
Ooh!
Can I have the ones with sparkles?
BANDIT
#2
Yes
you may.
PANEL:
BANDIT
#3 lifts up JACK's shirt sleeve and his arm, revealing the horse
tattoo he hid earlier, much to JACK's horror.
BANDIT
#3
Hey,
check it out! He's already got one!
PANEL:
THE
REST OF THE GANG closely inspect JACK's tattoo with interest. JILL
just amusingly glares at JACK close to his face while he
embarrassingly shies away from her.
BANDIT #1
Looks
like a Clydesdale.
THE
BOSS
Are
you from the Chicago chapter?
JACK
Uh...
No! That's just a-- just a symbol of love lost or something.
PANEL:
JILL
smiles with evil intent close to JACK, who looks up and away, trying
to come up with something on the fly.
JILL
What
was her name?
JACK
Ummm...
Suzy. You wouldn't know her. She goes to a different gang.
JILL
Where?
JACK
Canada.
PANEL:
JILL
leaps towards the rest of the gang, pointing a finger at a horrified
JACK.
JILL
HA!
Jack
has a girlfriend! Everyone do the song!
PANEL:
JACK is
center to the panel. He looks on in horror as THE REST OF THE GANG,
JILL included, border the panel and amusingly sing.
THE
GANG
Jack
and Suzy sittin' in a tree--
JACK
No.
PANEL:
Closer
on JACK as he puts his hands to his cheeks.
THE
GANG
K-I-S-S-I-N-G--
JACK
NO!
PANEL:
Close
on JACK's face as he screams in terror.
THE
GANG
First
comes love, then comes marriage--
JACK
NOOOOOOO!!
PANEL:
JACK
sits alone next to the horses, still tied to the stagecoach. He
glares at THE REST OF THE GANG and JILL as they sit around the
campfire, munching on marshmallows.
JACK
They
don't understand me the way you do, Thunder.
PANEL:
JILL
looks up next to BANDIT #1 as he glares longingly into the campfire.
JILL
So
what led to your war against, law, order, and soap?
BANDIT
#1:
Well,
I used to be a teacher...
PANEL:
JILL
puts a hand on BANDIT #1's shoulder and hangs her head in sadness.
JILL
Bad
from birth...
BANDIT
#1
I
liked my job and the job liked me. Lunches in the park, readings
from Shakespeare, town lynchings at 4...
PANEL:
JILL
leans closer with an attentive ear.
JILL
So
what happened? Was the school struck by lightening? Washed away in
a flood?
BANDIT
#1
No.
Measure 94 cut our funding.
PANEL:
JILL
lowers herself back to where she was and looks into the fire,
disheartened.
JILL
That's
anti-climactic.
BANDIT
#1
There's
no worse villain than a politician.
PANEL:
JILL
leans over with renewed hope to BANDIT #2 on the other side of her.
He, too, stares into the flames.
JILL
What
about you?
BANDIT
#2
I was
a local firefighter.
JILL
Did
you like starting fires more than putting them out?
BANDIT
#2
No,
gerrymandering in our past elections led to district lines being--
PANEL:
JILL
grumpily cuts a look over to THE BOSS, sitting on the other side of
BANDIT #1.
JILL
UGH
And
you? Are you here because of lobbyists?
THE
BOSS
Yes.
PANEL:
JILL
looks across the fire at BANDIT #3.
JILL
And
what's your story?
BANDIT
#3
I'm
just interning here for college credit.
PANEL:
JILL is
no longer upset. She takes a genuine interest.
JILL
Oh
neat. What's your major?
PANEL:
BANDIT
#3 smiles in self-worth as JILL grows grumpy again.
BANDIT
#3
Political
Science.
PANEL:
JACK is
propped up-against a sleeping horse, tied to a post. JACK himself
sleeps. JILL has one hand on JACK's shoulder and lightly shakes him
awake.
JILL
Jack,
wake up!
JACK
What's
up?
PANEL:
JACK
sits up and tubs his eyes. JILL kneels beside him and explains her
situation.
JILL
Jack,
we can't go through with this robbery they've got planned. This
isn't who they are.
JACK
Really?
Who are they?
PANEL:
JILL
looks over towards THE GANG, sleeping next to a dying fire as the
sunrise begins to push its head above the hills.
JILL
Well,
okay. They're bandits, but they mean well and I don't think they'll
do well in jail.
PANEL:
JACK
sleepily looks to JILL as she raises her arms in the sky in
frustration.
JACK
Why
don't we just ride the horses out of here and do something else
instead?
JILL
You
can't always give up when you don't like the story, Jack!
PANEL:
JACK
walks to the back of the stagecoach with JILL in tow.
JACK
Am
not! But real quick follow me.
PANEL:
JACK
has his eyes closed as he kneels on the floor of the stagecoach.
JILL wanders in through the hole with a questioning look. The
outside light shines in.
JILL
What
are you doing?
JACK
Ssssshhh.
Just sit down and close your eyes.
PANEL:
JILL
mimics JACK's sitting. They sit across from each other in silence,
eyes shut.
PANEL:
JACK is
slowly getting up. JILL peeks one eye out at him.
JILL
What's
supposed to happen?
PANEL:
JACK is
walking away from JILL. JILL has an aggravated look.
JACK
I was
trying to have the box take us home because I don't like this story.
But fine, we'll do it your way.
PANEL:
JACK
holds the reigns of a galloping horse as JILL sits behind him,
shouting over the noise of the rushing wind. She holds strips of
paper in the air. The sun is now fully risen.
JACK
So
what's your plan exactly?
JILL
The
bandits are planning to rob the bank. But I noticed on this
newspaper they've been using as toilet paper that that same bank has
four job openings! If we can stop the bandits ahead of time and put
in a good word at the bank, maybe we can turn their lives around!
PANEL:
JACK
turns around inquiringly.
JACK
What?!
Like, two days ago you couldn't read!
JILL
Kid
logic!
JACK
That's
not how that works!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS has his hands on his hips, staring out over the mesa cliff into
the desert, looking proud. BANDIT #3 walks up behind him.
BANDIT
#3
Hey,
Boss. Where're the newbies?
PANEL:
BANDIT
#3 joins THE BOSS in looking happy.
THE
BOSS
Not
here! Took a horse, too! I bet they're getting' to the bank early
to help set-up the heist!
BANDIT
#3
What
a bunch of go-getters!
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL are held roughly by their shirt collars, forced to stand.
They have multiple guns pointed to their faces. JACK has a tired
look, while JILL yells in his face.
JACK
Jill
why did I think you knew how to read? You're five.
JILL
Hey
that's no fair. I'm smart!
PANEL:
A
shadow looms over THE KIDS. JACK retains his fed-up look.
JACK
You're
five.
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF stands looming over the reader. His head blots out the sun.
SHERIFF
Well,
well, well. I see we finally caught up to the deadly lives of The
Perilous Princess and Glue Boy.
PANEL:
JACK's
eyes are wide. JILL looks over to him with reserved feelings about
the insults.
JACK
Glue
Boy?
SHERIFF
[OFF-PANEL]
A.K.A.
Pasty Pete. A.K.A. The Glue Bandit. A.K.A. Glue-Eater. A.K.A.--
PANEL:
JILL
erupts toward THE SHERIFF while JACK wells with tears.
JILL
Alright
c'mon, it's only funny when I do it.
PANEL:
THE
SHERRIF gets close to their faces.
SHERRIF
I
want no words from you, li'l miss. I haven't forgotten what you
did...
JILL
Sure
you have. You're old.
JACK
Did
what?
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF points to his eyepatch aggravated and leers at THE CHILDREN.
SHERIFF
MY DAD-GUM EYE!
Y'ALL BURNED IT OUT
WITH HOT GLUE!
PANEL:
JACK
points a finger angrily at THE SHERIFF and JILL joins in on the
yelling.
JACK
You
should always wear eye protection and gloves when handling hot
decorative supplies! It says so on the box, stupid! Look it up!
JILL
Ask a
parent or guardian before going online!
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF pulls both kids close to him. They are afraid.
SHERIFF
You've
given away your friends and their plans to rob the bank! I say we go
pay them a little visit!
PANEL:
Switch
to the bank, mid-robbery. THE BOSS looks off into the distance with
an admiring look, his gun toted over his shoulder. BANDIT #1 picks
money up off the floor and into a bag. BANDIT #2 points a gun over
the counter into a patron's face. BANDIT #3 hops over the counter
towards THE BOSS in the lobby, his gun in one hand and a sack full of
money on the other. People are on the floor with their hands on
their heads.
BANDIT
#1
Doesn't
look like the newbies were here, Boss.
THE
BOSS
Didn't
you see? The floor was recently swept. Bet they came in here and
made the heist real clean for us.
BANDIT
#2
Mighty
kind of 'em.
BANDIT
#3
Buncha
go-getters I tell ya.
PANEL:
THE
SHERRIF yells through a rolled-up newspaper towards the bank. Like
previous, THE KIDS are held with guns on them, towards the background
with the deputies.
SHERIFF
Alright,
you robbers! Come out with your hands up and we'll shoot you quick!
We have a couple of your cohorts here with us and we're not afraid to
shoot them first!
PANEL:
THE
GANG hides behind the cover of the bank walls, peering slightly from
the windows.
THE
BOSS
Dang!
They've
got Princess and Glue Boy!
BANDIT
#2
What'll
we do, Boss?
PANEL:
THE
GANG walk out of the bank with their heads lowered and their hands in
the air.
THE
BOSS
Honor
among thieves...
PANEL:
THE
GANG quickly pull out their guns with smirks and smiles and begin
firing into the crowd of deputies.
THE
BOSS
Psych!
No honor among thieves!
PANEL:
A gun
drops from the top of the panel from a shot deputy into one of JILL's
hands. JACK sprints forward holding onto JILL's other hand while
ducking one of his own hands on top of his head.
JACK
Quick,
Jill! We gotta get out of here!
PANEL:
THE
KIDS hunker down as JACK runs with JILL hand-held close behind.
Bullets skim over their heads.
JILL
Try
the force field again!
JACK
I've
been trying this entire time! Nothing is working! You do
something!
PANEL:
With
crazed eyes, JILL fires wildly off-panel.
JILL
YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH--
PANEL:
JILL
looks at the revolver, which only carries 6 shots, with
disappointment.
JILL
--aaaawww,
jeez. Out of bullets already?
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL rush behind some barrels in the background while THE SHERIFF
and THE BOSS stare each other down, fumbling with their own guns,
doing specific maintenance and reloading as they quarrel. THE REST
OF THE GANG and THE DEPUTIES do the same elsewhere in the panel.
JILL
Old-timey
technology stinks.
SHERIFF
Soon
as three minutes pass where I can reload my gun and fix this firing
pin, you're a dead man!
THE
BOSS
Oh
yeah? Well so long as you stay within 10 feet of me I'll hit you
first!
BANDIT
#1
Best
10% accuracy money can buy!
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF and THE BOSS are almost face-to-face with their sneers. JACK
and JILL pop their heads out from behind the barrels in the
background as JILL yells to them.
SHERIFF
I
hate your guts!
THE
BOSS
I'd
hate yours too but you're just too dang gutless!
JILL
Punch
him in the throat!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS looks over to THE KIDS questioningly.
THE
BOSS
What?
PANEL:
JACK
has his turn to shout while JILL gives a thumbs-up, not smiling.
JACK
Just
punch them, dude!
PANEL:
THE
GANG scuffle with THE LAW, landing the blows all over them. THE KIDS
cheer from the background.
THE
KIDS
Yeah!
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF slumps to the ground in front of his horse. The horse has
something long wrapped in a blanket strapped to its side. THE BOSS
stands over him with clenched fists.
THE
BOSS
I'ma
finish what I should have finished on that playground 30 years ago,
Sheriff.
PANEL:
THE
KIDS throw their fists in the air and cheer.
JILL
Yeah!
JACK
Kick
his bottom, Boss!
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF glares and wipes his chin with the back of his hand.
THE
SHERIFF
Oh
I don't think so.
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF's hand clasps around the blanketed object on the horse.
PANEL:
The
blanket flies off in the wind as THE SHERIFF swings a large
broadsword close to THE BOSS' face. THE BOSS backs away, spooked.
SHERIFF
YAAAH!
PANEL:
JACK
and JILL stare in, wide-eyed, in confusion.
JACK
What?!
JILL
The
heck did he get a sword from?! That's--
PANEL:
THE
KIDS look up as the sun is blocked out by a large shadow.
JILL
--cheating...
PANEL:
In a
long panel, the silhouette of a dragon blocks out part of the sun.
PANEL:
A great
wing sweeps by THE KIDS as they duck with their hands on their heads.
A gust of wind rushes by them.
PANEL:
THE
BOSS is on the ground, his arms raised in defense, as THE SHERIFF
holds his sword high. Both look in sheer horror at the dragon that
zooms by.
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF yells to his deputies as THE BOSS runs to THE REST OF THE
GANG.
THE
BOSS & SHERIFF
[TOGETHER]
DRAGON!!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS picks THE KIDS up under each arm and runs for his life. The
dragon breathes fire and flies behind him.
JACK
WHAT IS GOING ON?!
THE
BOSS
DRAGONS HAVE RULED
THESE PARTS FOR GENERATIONS!
JILL
THAT'S NOT RIGHT!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS and THE KIDS run away far below the reader, as the dragon soars
up in the sky
JILL
YOU CITE YOUR SOURCES
RIGHT NOW!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS dives into a nearby barn without THE KIDS, into a pile of junk,
as the dragon flies by.
THE
BOSS
Oof!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS turns around out of the pile of junk.
THE
BOSS
Good
thing we got away from that dragon! They say the worst thing you can
do is keep running in his direct line of fire!
PANEL:
THE
BOSS continues to look up to the sky, alone.
PANEL:
THE
BOSS looks around him, waiting for an answer.
THE
BOSS
Did I
mess up?
PANEL:
THE
KIDS run away from the snarling dragon, JACK in the lead, holding
onto JILL's hand tightly as she practically flies behind him.
THE
KIDS
[TOGETHER]
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF kneels on the ground, tying his shoe laces in a panic.
DEPUTY
[OFF-PANEL]
Sheriff!
Get away from there!
The
dragon's coming right for you!
SHERIFF
Running
with untied shoes will kill me faster if I don't be careful!
PANEL:
JACK
takes a running jump off THE SHERIFF's face and into the air, JILL
still towed from behind.
JACK
Out
of the way, nerd!
JILL
Should've
used velcro!
PANEL:
A gust
of fire burns through THE SHERIFF, leaving him a crispy shell.
PANEL:
THE
BOSS holds his hat to his chest, looking sorrowful. THE GANG behind
him does the same.
THE
BOSS
I...
I don't think they made it.
BANDIT
#2
They
were the best bandits a gang could ask for.
PANEL:
The
same panel, but now BANDIT #1 looks up with wide eyes.
BANDIT
#1
Waitaminute.
Look!
PANEL:
THE
KIDS ride on the back of the fire-breathing dragon, ecstatic. They
have wide smiles and are making the “horns” sign with both hands.
THE
KIDS
[TOGETHER]
METAL!
PANEL:
The
dragon swoops by in the background as THE GANG watches, matching
their excitement.
THE
BOSS
They—They
did it! They're alive!
THE
KIDS
[TOGETHER]
METAAAAAAL!
PANEL:
THE
GANG hit each other in their faces with their hats as the dragon
rides further into the sun.
THE
BOSS
Good
luck on your adventures!
PANEL:
The
dragon continues to fly blindingly into the light.
THE
BOSS
[OFF-PANEL]
We'll
name the next charity fundraiser after you!
PANEL:
The sun
turns into a ceiling light.
PANEL:
THE
KIDS tip over the box and fumble onto the living room floor.
THE
KIDS
[TOGETHER]
AAAH!
PANEL:
From
the box's point of view, THE KIDS lay on the floor and look into the
darkness in the box.
JACK
Jill...
JILL
A
dragon? We didn't even get the story resolved! And why couldn't you make a force field?
PANEL:
From
behind THE KIDS' heads, we peer inside the darkness of the box.
JACK
What's
happening to the box?
PANEL:
The
world of darkness now has a soft glow to it. It rains softly on
marshy lands. THE SHERIFF gets up from the ground and rubs his head.
SHERIFF
Uuuuhh...
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF stands before a might castle, the gates stand 50 yards from
him as he marvels at the sight.
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF knocks on the wooden gate, shivering.
SHERIFF
H—Hello?
PANEL:
A voice
booms from behind the gate.
VOICE
What's the password?
PANEL:
THE
SHERIFF guesses wildly.
SHERIFF
I...
hate...
children...?
PANEL:
A
silent panel, staring at the gates.
PANEL:
The
gates open, there's nothing but darkness inside.
VOICE
No, but... I think we
have room for one more.
TO BE
CONTINUED...
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