Alcohol is a strange and wondrous thing we humans digest. We take liquid molded from wheat and barley and cake our innards with the stuff 'til we feel something other than ourselves. Some people aren't into it. I can understand. Where I'm from, we have our poor communities, and our "just gettin' by" communities. Our weather is bleak but we like it that way. To shield ourselves from the fog and mist and rain and cold we gather around the heaters the bars provide. They give us cold drinks that warm the insides while we still feel the frost on our coats. In this culture of drinking, you tend to listen to your friends a little better. Almost every story is who has it worse. Less of a pissing contest and more a way to take the piss out of one another.
At some point, I started writing down the stories of friends, and the tales they told. These are "Tales From The Bar Stool".
* * *
"Does anyone want a $200 stack of pornography? It's like... this tall."
"Why do you have a $200 stack of porn?"
"Okay, so this guy had a knife to my throat... Wait, let me back up a bit. I was out drinkin' around a bit the other night, and I met this guy and we get around to playing a game of pool. And we get to talkin', and he mentions that he's Jewish. And I say: 'Oh my father was Jewish.' and he gets real excited, right? He says-- and he's like this big 22-year-old Russian or Ukrainian or something-- 'We are like brothers!' And now he's all excited to hang out with me.
"So anyway we finish our game but he still wants to hang out, right? He's like: 'Let's get more drinks! Come on! On me!' And he's really into the idea of drinking with me. And I tell him, I let him know, 'Hang on, man, I'm not gay or nothin'.' and y'know, 'Nothin' against ya, that's just not me if that's what you're--' and he gets really angry. Not at me, but like at the notion of being gay. He's like: "FUCK NO! I'm not faggot! We are brothers!' So I go 'Alright' and we get another round. One thing leads to another and we're bar-hopping around the area.
"So at this point it's already like one in the morning, we're trashed, but he wants to stop in at this titty bar. And we go in and everyone knows this guy. We don't even go see the dancers or care or anything we just go straight to the bar. And this place is all trashy and there's like no one around. And anyway I don't know how long we're there for or WHAT the fuck we were talking about but I apparently said something to piss him off because all of a sudden he's got his one arm under mine and bent up to grab the hair on the back of my head. And he's pulling my head back and with his other hand he's got a fuckin' knife to my throat. And no one even bats an eye! No one gives a shit! Like this guy comes in here and does it all the time or something! Like, 'Oh, there's Crazy Jim. Just pullin' that knife again.' And I've got my hands up like, 'Alright, alright. I'm cool, man.' and he starts laughin' and sits down and goes back to his drink. So at this point, drunk as I am, I know I have to get away from this guy but now I'm playin' hostage to be his fuckin' drinking partner.
"After the strip club, we're walking down the street, and he still wants to hit another bar. And I don't really have a choice. But as we're walking down the street I look across from us and on the other side of the road is this sex shop. And-- I'm almost certain-- this place is some sort of a front for, like, prostitution or something. I'm almost 100% sure this is the same place my co-worker was spanked by prostitutes in the back room and left in a cage overnight."
"Like, against his will or something?"
"No, no. I'm sure he paid top dollar for his abuse. But anyway, I look at this place and I think: 'Y'know I'm just gonna get some porn and just... beat myself silly tonight.' So I let the crazy fucker I'm with know and he says he's gonna stay outside and smoke or something and he'll wait for me. So I go in and there's no one around, just the one guy workin' behind the counter and he's like... nodding off or somethin'. Like on some really heavy shit. And there's all these doors leading to the back rooms where I'm sure all the illegal shit is going on. And this homeless guy darts out, and sees the clerk just nodding there, and the homeless guy just guns it out the back door. Just takes off so he didn't have to pay for whatever illegal shit was goin' on back there.
"And I look at the clerk and he doesn't notice a fuckin' thing. So I just go 'Fuck it' and grab an arm-full of the porno mags on the shelf next to me. Just in one swoop grab a whole bunch and fuckin' high-tail it out the back."
"So you grabbed $200 worth of porn in one fell swoop?"
"Nah, those magazines are like twelve, thirteen bucks a pop. But I couldn't grab all that if I'm in a rush, doing it right in front of the guy. So I wait out there and the clerk doesn't even notice. He doesn't come out there yellin' or anything. So I went back in and grabbed more."
"You went back in?!"
"Yeah! And he still didn't even realize it and since I left out the back way I was out of sight of the Russian guy so I high-tailed it home with my arms filled to the brim with dirty mags."
"Did you get anything good?"
"No, man. I was in a drunken rush so I just grabbed whatever was in arm's reach and got out of there. Didn't even look at it until I got home. I got, like, two... three straight mags and the rest is all like tranny porn or somethin'. Fuckin' middle shelf. So anyway if anyone wants to take this stack I've got layin' around at home, just let me know."
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