"Dude, did I tell you when I got a fucking gun in my face?!"
"What?! When?!"
"This was like, last month!"
"I don't believe you mentioned it. Do tell."
"So I get a call up from John, my guitarist, and he asks me if I got time to practice that night. So I'm like 'Fuck yeah, let's do this. I've been writing some new stuff, let's get this shit on tape.' So he tells me to meet him wayyyy the fuck out in SouthEast to someplace I'd never been. But, y'know, we move around a lot. I figured maybe this is their new place or somethin'.
"But I get out there, and it's a fucking house party. He wanted us to play a fucking house party without any kind of warning, and as far as I knew, no pay."
"Nice."
"Yeah, so I'm already kind of pissy, but it's like, whatever, we need the exposure, y'know? And, by the way, this party is 80's Hair Metal-themed. So everyone dresses like Axl Rose or Poison and they're all a bunch of gun nuts and I just-- anyway. So we play for a little while and we take break about halfway through the set, right? And we're just playin' in this guys garage, so everyone just steps out the front to have a smoke and I'm just kind of hanging around the equipment, y'know, setting up for the rest and everything when this fucking guy walks through the open garage door and starts confronting me about everything. Not like, 'Look, there's other people in this neighborhood. Can you please, just y'know, stop playing?' It was nothing like that. The guy just marches straight up to me and starts poking me in the chest and being like 'If you don't stop playing, I'm gonna start keying people's cars and breaking your shit!' It's like, dude, you're in a shitty neighborhood and there's a party, just call the cops if you're that upset. Don't start off with threats! So I just kind of turn to everyone outside the garage smoking and I'm like, 'Hey this guy says he's gonna fuck up everyone's cars!' So everyone just fucking bum-rushes this guy and kicks his ass until he runs off to wherever he came from."
"That seemed like a very tactful thing to say."
"Yeah well I was already kinda tater'd at that point. So anyway we play the rest of our set without incident. And everyone goes out for a smoke again. And it's just me in the garage again, but this time the guy whose place it was-- his kid-- is hangin' out with me. He's like seventeen and he just wants to hang out, y'know? And I turn my back to grab something... and the fucking neighbor rushes in and starts beating up the kid! Like, has him on the ground! And I tackle the guy and throw a couple punches and he runs off, because what was I suppose to do? Like, go out front and be like 'Hey, dude. This guy in here is kicking your kid's ass.' So the kid and I go out front and tell everyone what's going on and everyone starts hollerin' an' shit. And I'm just kinda like, 'Not my problem' and go into the backyard to smoke with one of my bandmates.
"Now this backyard, it's like one of those community backyards where it's this big piece of field and a few other houses share it, right? So we're out there smoking and I look over to my right and all these Hair Metal cross-dressers are walking over with a bunch of guns. And I'm like 'What the fuck' but my bandmate just kinda nudges me and points up to the window of the house next to us. That fucking neighbor has got a shotgun and is pointing out the top window! Just aiming it at people!"
"Was that the gun you got in your face?"
"Nah, man I just walked around to the front and smoked out there. And here's the kicker: apparently somebody called the cops, but I look across the street and their moving in on the wrong fucking house! Like, they're gettin' all stealthy and one of them does a double-take at me watching him and I just kinda nudge my head in the direction of the backyard like, 'Yeah it's over here, dude.' And anyway they came over and tackled me, I'm assuming because I'm just so threatening-looking and stuck a gun in my face."
"So what happened?"
"I dunno. My bandmates got out of it okay, but I don't really know about the rest. They let me go after a little bit when they realized I just have bad luck. Like, I just wanted to hang out until my girlfriend got off work! I'm not even on the right side of town!"
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